My Clean Eating Endeavor

This is a yummy Clean Eats breakfast. It gives you energy for your day! YAY! I know exactly what is in this and I can pronounce all the ingredients.

This is a large slice of my girl, Julie's Cakes. It's dirty dirty and soooooo gooooood. (Read that in a moaning voice.) It doesn't really give you energy but a false sense of joy and it also melts in your mouth AND your soul. I don't know exactly what is in this cake, because Julie and I have a very strict: don't ask, don't tell policy.

We're going to commit to clean eating for a year over here. Stop laughing. No, seriously, we're doing it. Yes we are. I've even got Ricardo on board with this wackadoodle idea.

Most of y'all know I've had the Clean Eating bug. But its more like a dating relationship - on again, off again. And it's like a threesome, or some kind of culinary love triangle with Me, Clean Eats, and all my favorite dirty dirty foods. When I'm dating Clean Eats, I'm healthy and typically losing weight. And then I crave some restaurant or someone happens to drop off a cake, and well, then I'm telling Clean Eats I can't go out that I have to get a root canal, and I go make out with my favorite dirty dirty foods. Then my face explodes, my thighs balloon. And I'm left, making them both mad at me, and my jeans don't fit.

So, I'm breaking the cycle. I'm making a commitment to one of them. And my jeans can't handle me committing to the dirty dirty eats, so I'm going with the Clean Eats.

Oh, God, Les. You're doing this whole gig again.

Down in front, bub. Look, i'm doing it, I've been doing it, but I'm committing to a year of it. Solid year. This will make me some kind of hero, I'm certain of it.

Here's our (my) rules:
1. Clean food all the time. Ricardo's already scheduled a business trip to escape me on this. I'll give him a break. But I'm in it to win it, even while traveling. Clean Eating is not the same as that raw foods diet. We'll start with the 2 week menus in Clean Eating Magazine. (When y'all check it out and start to subscribe, be sure to flood them with "Mom On The Rocks sent me" notes. They're not hip on sponsoring me...yet.)
2. All food needs to be whole. If a packaged item is purchased or used, a 1st grader must be able to read the ingredients and the item should have no more than 3 ingredients listed.
3. The kids get a little bit of reprieve on this but not much. Instead of Cheetoh's, they get Kettle Cooked Potato Chips (which have 3 ingredients.) I do allow the kids to make their own choices when we eat out. And since Max can't have chicken nuggets at most restaurants, we have some here for him. They love the homemade version anyway. More on the kids' participation later.
4. If we eat fish, the kids eat chicken.
5. We do not go out to eat unless there is a clean option.
6. I'll log everything I eat on my app: My Fitness Pal.com
7. My coffee. I'm pretty sure no one wants me to go off the coffee juice. The coffee is clean. The products I put into it are dirty. So, I've switched to coconut coffee creamer and stevia or agave.

We pretty much do this already, but not 100%. And the way I eat, 75% clean eating quickly leads to a slippery slowpe of 50% clean eating. And then the next thing you know, I'm wolfin down a Taco John's Crispy Chicken Potato Ole Burrito with extra cheese sauce and Oles. And then topping that off with a Diet Pepsi and some chocolate cake. So, yeah, we need to commit and go all in over here.

We need support from our family and friends on this one. So, if you want to meet up with ol Leslie who's good for throwing down at a restaurant, you for your shot of tequila and me for my own basket of chips and salsa, well, things are about to change. We will be THOSE people who ask what's on your menu, or who eat before we come over. Or, I'll be the jackwagon who suggests we go out to eat somewhere with an open salad bar (I know all the locations of every Jason's Deli in the US). I think Ingredients and some other place over by half-price-books might be clean eats as well. Whole Foods is always an option but I think this commitment opts out that cupcake I love so much there. I suppose I'll have to head over to where the fresh food is, whatever aisle that may be. And we'll probably be THOSE people who accept your invitation and then bring a dish, and only eat the dish we brought. We'll see. My point is, I really want to do this for a year. A solid commitment of a year. And in doing that, I'm asking my family and friends to help me do it. At the very least, simply point and laugh at my salad grazing while you get a delicious processed meal. And really, this is a gift, I officially take on the responsibility of the insanely difficult one. You're welcome.

Here's my hypothesis for this endeavor:
Number one on the list is my vanity at it's finest. I hypothesize that my acne face will clear up. I've run this by my awesome aesthetician and she agrees. Even at the idea of not seeing me once a month to zap away all my scars, freckles and sun damage. She assures me they offer other fabulous services I need.

Number two - still vain - my weight. Yeah, that's a gimme, but the weight should go down. Just in time for my 20th high school reunion.

3. Gain energy. Which would get my butt to the gym consistently. Here's hoping.

4. More expensive grocery bill. But if we're not eating out, pretty much ever, then basically we're just shifting the budget around a bit.

5. Less cost on diet food, pills, vitamins, medicine, doctor visits and maybe even the dentist. Although, my dentist is also a pal of mine, even if she won't give me a couple of friendly hits off her nitrous. Whatevs. She never bills me for lunch. So, maybe we'll go that route.

6. Less dark circles under my eyes. Perhaps this on is just wishful thinking, I'm going with it anyways.

7. Less hair. When I told my aesthetician (yeah, I have one) I was doing this, she mentioned something like, "You know, I've had people move here from another country and wonder why they're breaking out or why they are getting hair in places they never had before. It's because they eat crappy American food." Welcome to America, home of our own fast food lab rats. That makes sense. It really does.

8. Gain focus. You know, I think I'll have more energy and focus. I go and go and go all day and can't finish sentences and seem to live in a fog.

9. Better triathlon performance.

10. Withdrawal symptoms of bitchiness subside at least 100 days into this gig because I've said good bye to my beloved whoopie pies, Jo-Jo's when I get in bed at night, eating all the kids' candy, and oh dear, no way, not sure I can do it, my precious JulieCakes. Julie, being a good friend of mine will help me and not enable me, I just know it. But her business is about to take a sharp decline (I'm practically up for shareholder given how many cakes I've ordered) so, if y'all could so kindly order her cakes all year, that would help us all out. Email me at m o m o n t h e r o c k s @ m o m o n t h e r o c k s dot c o m and I'll get you on track with some seriously good cakes, y'all. Help me help her help me.

11. I report my findings, experience, cool recipes, and in true Momontherocks fashion, the crazy of it all.

And no, this isn't some kind of New Years Resolution. My idea of a New Year's Resolution involves about a 2 week stretch. This is a commitment. I hope each of you helps me on this quest, maybe even joins me on it and lets me know about it. But mostly, I hope I can count on each of you to hold me accountable.

Would love to read your thoughts, and comments on this one. Let me have it!
That's how I roll.

Clean by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johanssen