I'm okay with me, again.

Somewhere on the run at the Omaha Triathlon, I decided to up my training game. I've been a bit complacent with my "Just train enough to finish upright without medic assistance" gig. And while running uphill, it occurred to me that perhaps running indoors is not a good training strategy for outdoor races.

So, now that our triathlon season 3 is over, I'm doing the Couch To 5K program with my very precious friend who has pretty much never run in her entire life. I thought it would be fun to be encouraging. But 13 weeks into the 24-week program, it's apparent - I'm the one encouraged.

Every day I don't wanna run, and every day I think of my pal - Korten (that's what the kids have always called her) - who had the courage to let me train with her - from miles away. We've been texting, Facebooking, instant messaging and calling each other with reports. The first week starts out to just walk for 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes - walk. Then one day a week, you run. Progressively, you run, adding on a few minutes, then a few days every week. With every struggle, I run knowing that Korten is doing this too, terrified with the what ifs. I have no what ifs with running, I'm just not motivated. Korten is my motivation. I've done every workout, every run. Well, one day, it rained and practice was cancelled. And then there was this other day I had a ridiculous gas bubble on my belly. Not the smelly kind, but the painful kind. Korten allowed me a day off on that day. I allowed her to laugh at me. In 13 weeks, I've probably missed 4 of our run workouts. I just start running and promise myself that if I keep going, it'll get over with faster. And I remembered my friend doing this miles away in hotter weather, with doubt in her mind and conviction in her heart. So, I keep running.

Korten's goal is to run a 5k - run the whole thing. Some of y'all might think that's nothin - but I think it's crazy-wack-awesome. Our first run workout was 4 minutes. She was terrified. She didn't think she could do it. So, I suggested that she run in 30 second intervals until it added up to the assigned time. She did it! And then, pardon the pun, but she ran with it. Soon she was up to 1 minute intervals, then 2 minutes at a time. Out of nowhere, she was running more than me. She got ahead of the schedule and just went with it.

Every day, I get so excited to see her accomplishment of doing the run. My whole family anxiously awaits hearing from her. After dinner the other night, I announced "Baby, Courtney ran an entire 5k - straight today. She did it!" We're high-fiving each other and dancing in jubilation for my friend. On the way to her goal, I renewed my love for running - or jogging slowly - whatever. My friend, Korten, is a runner.

In encouraging her, I decided to restructure my lengthy conversations of motivation to more positive talk to self. To talk to myself on those runs, the way I talk to Korten. It's helped tremendously to the point where I'm looking forward to running everyday and I think really highly of myself now.

A friend of mine from the gym saw on Facebook that I was running consistently. Perhaps it was because I was posting my run statuses to assure my gym peeps that I was indeed doing something - just not at the gym. Anyways, a pal noticed on Facebook and caught me after a run and suggested I do the Omaha Corporate Run next Sunday. NEXT SUNDAY, Y'ALL! Was this girl crazy? No, I was. Because I was still lacking oxygen from my 2 mile run. And apparently even while jogging only two miles, it's possible to float on a runner's high - and I said yes. The Corporate Run is a 10K. So, in a week, I'm gonna need to triple (yep, TRIPLE) my run workout.

It sounded like an attainable goal at the time. I calculated that if I added a half mile to my run every day - I would be at 5.5 with even a day of rest by race day - I could do it. At 3.0 mile workout, I got a bunch of great writing ideas. So, I stopped to write them down on my ipod. And then it was hot. And my hat was itchy. And my shoes weren't tied just right. And it was hot. And why did I think running on a track was a good idea? BORING. Also, it turns out that the jr. high asphalt track is not cushiony enough and making it hotter. I could never quite get back into my running groove. So, I quit, resolving I'd do better the next day. I walked home and felt guilty. The next day I absolved the guilt by doing the calculated 3.5 miles. Today I ran 4 miles. Now I'm tired, my body aches and reminds me that the friend who challenged me to do this stupid 10k is 10 years younger than me.

These runs are getting further and further out. So, today, before I left, I announced, "I'm going to run in Walnut Grove Park. I'll be about 40 minutes. If I'm not back in 45 - you should probably call for help. Tell them to comb the woods around Walnut Grove. Are you listening? If you need to find my body, it's in Walnut Grove." Oh yeah, that's why I don't like running that far and outside. Now, I remember.

I'm almost done. Just one more mile, and I notice my pace has slowed significantly. I pass a guy who's walked over from the retirement home close by. He's looking at me as if to say, "Need some help, punk?" I want to ask, "Where's your stinkin golf cart? Mamma needs a lift." But I can't - not because I don't have the nerve, but because I can't really breathe. And also, he just passed me with his walker. I go a few more yards and sight a slow lingering incline. My gait is now that old man's walker shuffle. I'm approaching a hill, and I can't do it, I can't talk myself into going another step further. All that motivation I said to Korten I just said to myself. But my legs and mostly my toes of all things - they're not listening. That's when one of the voices in my head - not the pessimist - but a kind whispery kind of voice says to me - "Hey Bub - this isn't your goal. And that's okay." And I stopped. I quit running, and walked up the hill. Once I crossed the street back into my subdivision, I started running again and I finished the prescribed run.

I'll probably do the Omaha Corporate Run because I said I would. I'll just run some and walk some. I'm actually looking forward to legally wearing my headphones in a race.

But it's ever-apparent to me - We can't do what others want for us. We have to want it. We can only go for our own goals.We need to know our limits (and our hips' limits - apparently mine is 3.75 miles). In knowing all that, we should keep setting goals.

I've been complacent in my triathlon workouts and goals, motivated by Korten and renewed in my own workouts, and humbled by the fact that some goals, just aren't for me.

That's how I roll.
Song of the Day: It's Okay by Cee Lo Green