This dog is what saved me from the dangers of surveys.
I was walking Maybee (aka - that damned dog) this morning about 7 a.m. Maybee - it has been explained to us by local dog whisperers - is in the midst of what they call the "teenage years". Funny since she's only 6 months old, but it turns out, that's an accurate description. When not pleased she looks at me and pees, and she is annoyed when no one will play with her...all day. If only I could get her to stay up late and sleep in, we'd have our first teenager in the house. Still, I see what they are talking about. So, we I have decided to wake up and walk her and wear her butt out. It's not working. And I do it anyway.
So, we're on our walk, and on our way back, a police cruiser turns down the street I'm going down, turns around in a driveway ahead of me, pulls up to me and rolls down his window and says, "Hey, you might be my first victim today!" I swear on it, that's what he said. I go along with it because I have the most annoying dog in the world, anything shady, and if she doesn't protect me, she'll annoy the guy until he runs. He was in uniform and all that, and he said he wanted me to fill out a survey. I think this is all a little weird, but I'm trying to be a nicer me, and if that means accommodating a serial killer posing in a police uniform and cruiser, well shit, I guess so be it.
I think, "But where would he get a cruiser?" He must be the real deal. And then I remember Hangover.
That's when he gets out of the car. I didn't like that. When he gets out of the car, I note he resembles someone. I can't quite figure it out. And I'm also busy assessing that I"m bigger than him, and aside from his night stick, his tazer, and a few guns, I could probably take him. Oh, I see it now. You know that movie Terminator? He looks like the bad guy who posed as....wait for it....wait for it....A COP! Shit. The bad guy in the Terminator. Great. The good guy in the Terminator isn't doing well, and I've got the bad guy. Grrreat.
He gets out of the car, and stands there and plays with my dog, who is on a halter leash and clearly is in intense training (sort of) to be an obedient walker, but the guy is getting Maybee all riled up. It's all his fault my dog is regressing on her potty training now. I step on her leash, to keep her from jumping up and the guy goes, "I'll hold the dog for you" and reaches for her leash. I say no. He says it twice more, I say no twice more. Then he tries to hold my coffee for me. NO ONE TOUCHES MY COFFEE. EVER. I say that with just my eyes. He steps back and then proceeds to just stand there. Finally I said, "Just read me the questions, I know the Likert scale, I'll answer." He reads off 5 of the lamest survey questions ever known to Mister Likert. "Rate your Omaha Police Department" Really? At this point I want to rate it a big fat, "give me my damned tax dollars back" but I also want to just get out of this situation. I mean really, I live in one of the highest taxed cities in the country. Our yearly vehicle licensing is a house payment, y'all. And this is what I get?
I found the last question, given the experience I was in, "Do you feel safe in your community?" very ironic in this moment. But kept going. I know that maybe I should check out the car number, or this guy's name and badge number. But I just feel like I should get out of the situation by this point.
The last question was for comments. I say, "Yeah, I'd like the FOP to stop calling me." Hahahaha. I'm so funny in adversity. He says they aren't even part of the police department, but that he'll write it down anyways. I note that's a good sign. A poser wouldn't know to say FOP isn't tied to the Police Department. So, that's good, maybe this guy is a cop. Then he took about 3 minutes to write it down. It was weird. Eventually, he started to say something else, and I just said, "You know what, I need to leave right now." And I left. With my dog, my coffee, and so far my life still in tact. Just keep walking. Keep on walking.
I get home, and say to Ricardo, "I just had the most bizarre experience." He looks at me, makes this face like he's holding his breath to make sure he doesn't roll his eyes, or worse laugh at me. But he can't and with a coy chuckle he says, "Again?" I trump his doubt and explain.This time, he agrees it's bizarre, more bizarre than all the other instances (like every blog entry and the sole purpose of this blog - weird stuff happens to me, y'all), but he's bothered too. So, he takes his coffee up to his office and goes to work.
Later, I think to call OPD and ask about it. I mean, we teach our kids, don't approach a car. Stranger Danger even tells us to teach our kids, "No police officer or adult should ever ask you to approach his car. Because it's not safe." Did the Millard branch miss that episode that John Walsh produced? So, why would this police officer suggest I approach his car. Does he need me to solve a crime? No, but to fill out a survey. A really lame, completely incompetent survey. I'm fairly certain it was on the up and up, but a little creeped out that it was a hoax and I might have just escaped kidnapping and murder.
That, or I'm creeped out at the fact that this guy was sent out today to protect the community and meet some kind of quota of surveys by "reaching out to the public." I mean really, what kind of POLICE DEPARTMENT would have officers pulling up to fairly foxxy (I'm pretty hot in a muffin top kind of way) middle aged women to do "random" surveys? It just didn't make sense to me. So I call the Omaha Police Department, and they are a little concerned, I mention the guy had an earring in his left ear. They confirm while on duty that's not allowed. And then the guy - who by the way - I was probably the funnest call he's had all day - he sounded like he was planning on ending his life tomorrow but also a little drunk. Anyhoo, he ends up figuring out with some other officer that SW Omaha Police Department is probably doing a survey, that they might have heard about that or something. Way to go Sherlock with your team work and effective communication.
I explain that I've designed surveys for years, and that it's not a random survey if you feel you HAVE to stop because it's a police officer. And that it's just not safe, which is ironic. I question with the guy the irony and safety issue of it all. And he says, he sees no problem with it. I say, "Are you married?" Then I was going to hit him with "Would you be okay if your wife was approached like that?" But ofcourse the guy is not married. Wife probably just left him which would explain the uninterested slurred speech. So I say, "well, what if your mom, or daughter or niece or sister told you this story I just told you? You wouldn't be concerned for their safety?" He says, "If it was at midnight, yeah, that's not safe, but I don't see any problem with it. He was just reaching out to the public. We try to do that. And it's a random sample. " Really? Random? Do you pull pedestrians over on Saddlecreek and 30th, or downtown? Or in south O for this survey? I think not. But I was so fed up, all the voices in my head were screaming at the guy. I figured it'd be a good idea not to have my call flagged, and I hung up.
That's how I roll.
Song of the day: Strange Fruit - Billy Holiday
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