If I were in office...

It just occurred to me the other day that I could run for President. Primarily, because while discussing any issue, be it politics or potholes, I end it with a "If only I ran this show." And then I laugh. And Ricardo laughs...pretty loudly, actually. But technically, I'm a U.S. citizen, I've lived in the country my whole life (although Nebraska seems like a different country during football season) and I'm uh, ahem, over 35 years of age. I could do this.

When election time hits, I get all crazy. All the voices in my head start stewing. And I loathe every democrat, republican, liberal, independent or tea party candidate out there. I think I am irritated by the fact that these people are offending me with senseless finger pointing, sound bytes out of context, and accusations. I'll deal with enough of that with my eight-year-olds.

Politician hopefuls have some how managed to be gazillionaires raising enough money to obliterate me with tv ads, radio ads, stupid mail out ads, ads on my car windshield, sending brainwashed 20-year-olds to my door at dinnertime, more stupid ads in my door when I'm not there to answer the door for the brainwashed 20-year-olds, and my personal favorite, the automated phone call ads disguised as non-profit unblocked survey calls. Really? Non-profit? Cuz you've raised over 5 million dollars for a local election.

I really can't wait for election day. I'm going to dance in the streets when this is all over. And we can just get back to the fun Geico Commercials, which by the way, are more factual and contain more pertinent information than any election ad.
"Mom, that's funny because Abe Lincoln was real honest. You get it!?"

As opposed to, "Mom, what does scandal mean? Why does that guy look like a "non-profit" millionaire? And how does he get his hair to comb over and stay like that?"

Good points, kid.

Even better is when I explain that there is an election. I explain that we're supposed to vote on the person we think will take the best care of our city/county/state.

"Mom, how can you tell?"

"Huh?"

"How can you tell they will take care of us? They don't tell you what they are going to do, they just tattle-tell on what someone else is doing. And you don't allow tattling for us, why do they get to do it?"

Good point, kid. It's called cherry picking, red herring, and/or hasty generalization. And I think it should be illegal. There should be new election laws. If I were in charge, and I love to be in charge, to make the rules - this is just a morsel of some of the rules I'd make:

1. Your ads can only run 14 days before election.
2. You can do one televised interview. No debate. You must just answer factual questions. You must do it while attached to a lie detector. With your spouse sitting front row. Maybe your kids too.The interview will be one on one, not with your opponent. The opponents will do the same interview.
3. No printed ads. You can launch one website. The website can only have facts about you on there.
4. You can't hire anyone to help you campaign. You must do it all on your own. If you're going to consider running our country/city/state, perhaps you should be able to get elected on your own first. You must do it after work hours. No sending 20 year-olds out to interrupt my dinner.
5. You must use your own money to pay for one factual ad that will run 14 days before the election. You better make it good.
6. On your ad and website, you must write only facts about your job that you want. Here's where it gets fun. A U.S. Senator's job is to write bills, and vote on bills, and occasionally, sit on a committee or two. So, if you're a new candidate, tell me what bills are coming up, and how you'd vote on them. Period. That's all I want to know. If you're a returner, I want to know your attendance record. I want to know every Yay and Nay of ever bill you've ever voted on.
7. Elected Officials should have punch cards and have to punch in and out of work every day. If you take a sick day, vacation, your constituents should be notified. Vacation time must be approved by me.
8. Lobbyists or any other receiving of any outside money out of your $174,000 salary is illegal. You must even forfeit your multi-million dollar owned company's salary. You don't work for them right now. You work for me. You're working for the "good of the people". You're not doing us a service if you're still making your salary for a job you don't work at anymore. Stop calling in on your stocks, and get to writing a bill on new election laws that you promised you'd write.
9. They must pass a written exam over the Constitution of the United States. And a verbal test on knowing all the words to the Star Spangled Banner must be aced. (I want that one for Olympic Athletes, too.)You must get an A+ on the tests in order to be sworn into office.

This has been very cathartic.I think the next time I get a call, I'm going to humor them and answer their question on who I will vote for. "Look, I'm making a mental list. And the one that violated my tv time the most with ridiculous ads that said nothing about about what they will do, the incumbent who said what he'll do when really, he should have already done it. They won't get my vote. It turns out that's basically every campaign ad there, so I'll vote for the lesser of the douche bags. If there is a douche bag tie, I will go with who has worse hair. If you have great hair, I know how much time you spend doing it. That's a waste of my tax dollars. How's that?"

One final thought, I am not impressed that you can raise millions for your job. Now, if you raised millions for a cause, that might catch my attention.

That's how I roll.

Song of the day: American Idiot by Greenday (ear muffs!)