Oh God. The other day I told Ricardo I thought it might be a good idea to have the sex talk with the kids. The kids try to use the word sexy. I tell them not to use the word. It's just weird coming out of a seven-year-old's sweet face. We tell them to not use words they don't know the meaning of. And my idea of having the talk with them now is that its the beginning of summer. So they won't go to school and explain everything Mommy and Daddy told them. Hopefully over summer I can talk to them and then turn on the tv and erase the urgency to talk to all their friends about it with a few episodes of Spongebob or something. The plan is by the time summer is over, they'll know the facts, but it won't be such a big deal by the time they get back to school.
Ricardo said he heard the kids talking about a couple of kids having sex at school. He asked them what that meant and they thought it was bootie dancing - with clothes on. Yea - uh kids we gotta talk. I remember watching a morning show and some lady was on promoting her book and suggesting that you start talking to your kid about sex at age 3. No thanks. I really don't wanna do it at 7. Or really 11 or 30. But better me to have the talk than the schmucks who told them booty bumping was sex. I mean where's THAT kids' frame of reference? Can't imagine what he witnessed to come up with such an idea. But probably just tv or older siblings or something.
So - I'll have the talk but I balk because I don't want to give up their sweet innocence. I mean once you blow the cover on sex - its over. So I might have put it off til next week. I've been going strong on procrastination on this for about a month now.
And then last night I'm sitting outside - while my kids play at the neighbor kids' house - making my grocery list and menu when I hear the kids next door calling people gay. I think to myself - my kids know better. They know better than to use a word they don't understand. Then Max chimes in "You're gay!" Then Lucy. My heart breaks. I scratch popsicles off the list - jerks don't get popsicles. I mutter a few shits and dammits to myself and then call them over back to our house. They thought it was cool because the new neighbor kids' MOTHER was right there hanging out on the back porch while the kids play and didn't admonish their uh YOUNGER kids for such language use. Max and Lucy walk slowly. They now see my face and know they are in deep trouble. I'm really just panicking. I mean, explaining gay is way down on the progression list of the sex talk, don't you think? If they don't know what sex is...I'm interrupted by their arrival.
"Did you use the word gay?"
"Yes."
"Are you allowed to call people any names?"
"No ma'am" oh wow - they are kissing up with the ma'am gig too.
"Do you know what gay means?" This is where I think I'm reeeal smarter than them. They will say they do not know what it means and I will remind them to not use words they don't understand. And then that will be it and I can continue my procrastination about any level simple or complex to do with sex.
But instead I am challenged. Lucy answers "Yes." Shit.
"Uh, okay, then you tell me in your own words what gay means." Bracing myself while remembering the butt bump = sex in her world.
"It means when a girl is in love with another girl. Or a boy is in love with another boy."
Holy crap. We're not dealing with chumps here. Quick Leslie, think!
"That's right, baby. And is that bad or wrong?"Just wanted to get a feel for what else she thought she knew.
"No."
"Okay - tell me why." Max is standing beside her with total confidence that Lucy will happily speak on his behalf. And she does.
"Because when you love someone - you just love them."
"Yes baby. That's right. So please don't use that term to call someone a bad name when you don't think its bad?"
I send her and Max to play, proud of myself for staying calm. But a little set back that Lucy didn't hold her own but rather, jumped on the bandwagon. I was under the impression that Lucy kicks all bandwagons over and then robs them silly. Then again, I'm completely in awe of the message my daughter just articulated to me. And I'm crazy proud.
I'm going to have to up my game plan from my four-sentence sex talk, I think. My plan was to keep it brief and simple. And then lay down some serious ground rules for who she can talk to about such treasured information. And that would be uh: Me only. And then ask if she has any questions. Ricardo will have the talk with Max. We're not so sexist as to believe that boys should talk to their dads and girls should talk to their moms. But they definitely need to be separated. They can barely eat dinner without egging each other on about fart sounds. So, we'll keep them separate for this talk. And then maybe the rest of the summer. Oh God, I haven't consider what they'll do after the talk:
"Hey, what did Mom tell you?"
"Teee hee heee, what did Dad tell YOU!?"
"Mom said the real name for my privates is VAGINA! BAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
"Lucy, you said VAGINA! HAHAHAHAH!"
Oh God. I need therapy. Or a vodka tonic.
That's how I roll.
Song of the Day: Train Wreck by Sarah McLachlan
unfortunately for you, as you so eloquently pointed out above, you are coming full circle with the realization (fear) that despite your best attempts at shielding them, your kids know more than you would like them to about....life. it is going to shock you just how much they hear from their peers. i know that you are dreading having this "chat" with them, but you are correct in assuming that it is the right time to have this sit down. girls and boys are hitting puberty earlier than ever before and i am sure that you have seen daytime television lately where girls as young as 9 are engaging in oral sex under the deluded notion that it is acceptable because it isn't intercourse (really????) i know that your kids are much smarter than that, but still they need to know that you know that they know; you need to know how much they truly know, what they think about it, and what they have heard. you will be amazed....anyways, i know that you are dreading the talk, but remember that no matter how bad it is for you to have to sit your beautiful kids down and explain life to angelic faces, it is going to be 10x10 to the billionth power, multiplied by infinity and you still will not have grasped just how much more awkward it will be for them. you can take solace in the fact that once it is over, you can take comfort in the fact that you raised them to make informed decisions.
good luck with your talk--
Thank you, Anon! I'm assuming this talk will be brief and the first of hopefully many. Here's hoping I get this all right.
If you answer their questions right away as honestly as possible, it will be easier. So, if you anticipate their questions. It's a shame we should feel so inhibited about taking about this to our children.
I feel proud for you being pro-active, and loving your kids so much that you stay aware of the things they are talking about. And that you're willing to take the steps, as uncomfortable and unfamiliar as the territory is.
I remember having these talks with my children. My oldest once shared information with his classmates in 3rd grade. Good, solid, factual and not offensive information. One mom called me livid and frantic. But once she clamed down and we talked all was well. It was her fear that got her worked up.
You guys will do great! I'll be thinking of you.
Kimberley (MB)
Hey girl - I'm proud of you! So many parents just ignore the whole issue. And I actually do think it is good (if you have the chance) to have moms talk with daughters and dads with sons. That creates a bond with that parent and allows for the child to talk about more private things (masterbating and periods) with you later. My sister-in-law has always been upfront with her kids about sex. Very true - keep it simple. Give the basic facts - age appropriate stuff. Correct names and the purpose of sex and all that. Also if you haven't ever talked to them about safety that should be included. Working at Rape Crisis, I learned that so many parents never tell their kids what's okay and what's not and then kids get afraid about telling when something happens. Major thing in that talk - use the terms "safe and unsafe" not "good and bad". For years, the concept was "good touch" and "bad touch". Don't go there because sometimes bad touches feel good. I applaud your proactiveness like the women above. This is a good thing even if it is a little unnerving. : ) Yeah, I get on bandwagons too!