Substitute

This is my happy relaxing place. There's no stones. No ponds. And my eyeballs are right where they need to be. I'm just sayin.

Remember when you got a sub in school? Everyone usually enjoyed the break in the monotony of class. Well, I was at the gym the other day, and I'm on a complete schedule. I even have JulzHOLLA! going in on my demands.

Monday: Run and Yoga
Tuesday: Really cool swim class and then swim laps
Wednesday: Spin Class
Thursday: Run & Lift
Friday: Swim
Weekends: Free for all with whatever fits in our family's schedules.

It's a good schedule allowing for atleast one day off with our crazy schedules. But the one day I try not to miss is Run and Yoga day. I like the yoga instructor. She's real, helpful, and makes yoga a complete weight-bearing workout. She's not all crazy granola-chick with her shakras and all that. She is the perfect yoga class. I heart her. I rely on her class and her greatness.

So it's Monday and JulzHOLLA! and I finish our run, and head to yoga. What? Where is our instructor? A SUBSTITUTE! Dang. Who? Oh God. It's the woman who wants to save me. I resist, and consider bailing on this half of the workout, or maybe Zumba , or swimming with sharks instead of an hour with this class.

I give JulzHOLLA! the look, like, "I really don't want to be here. Please don't make me do this." And I'm just about to start stomping my feet and shouting, "I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" But I'm trying to be a good workout partner and we need to do yoga, or something. When one of the voices in my head suggests that I shouldn't make such harsh judgments and maybe I should keep an open mind and try it.

So, I give in and we go in and set up our yoga mats. I'm feeling all better about myself and my willingness to not hold a grudge. And then the aforementioned sub walked in and started talking. And all that good feeling got really weird.

I'll never listen to THAT voice in my head again. I mean, I was trying to be less of an asshole. But I think it's only affirmed my original judgments. In the middle of a downward dog, I get JulzHOLLA'S attention and mouth, "I hate you." Not nice, but I think effective. She won't persuade me on this one again. She's very influential on me. But I think I'm right on this one. Don't believe me? Well, I wrote down some of the stuff she said. I would also like to suggest what I'm about to say is what my momma says is the pot calling the kettle black. But the sub did not stop talking the entire time. Weird coming from me, I know. But also weird since she lectured me in a previous class for talking to much. And yes, I realize she's the instructor. But I got 55 minutes of yoga and phrases like, "Pubic Synthesis" or something about a position of a sacrum and then, "Yes! Yes! Yes, That's it!" I'm not even making this up. And then, "Don't assume I'm crazy. Teach your muscles to talk to each other."

My personal favorite was at the end of my RELAXATION yo. I'm in my favorite pose: corpse pose. And I get incessant talking that is supposed to lead me into some peace or something. A meditative and contemplative state, right? I'm not even making this up: "Imagine your eyeballs are soft polished stones that you drop into the back of your head and they fall into a shallow pond." What? "And the drop into the back of your skull, see the rings of water they create." I blocked out the rest of it by screaming expletives to the voice in my head that told me to come to this class.

I realize I have very specific preferences for the classes I choose to attend and the instructors. And I'm sure, some people prefer yoga with over zealous references to their sacrums. It's just not for me.

I should have stuck with my assholeness and judgments. Lesson learned.

That's how I roll.

Song of the day: Mahna Mahna by Cake