root canals and poop - low points of motherhood all in one day

I still like this dog. But he seems to be tip-toeing around me a bit today.

This week started off with me actually looking forward to a dentist appointment. I'd had a bit of a toothache and was convinced there was a hole in my tooth based on the fact I could almost cut my tongue if I ran it against said tooth. I even bailed on my workout with JulzHOLLA! citing a potential root canal. The dentist called to see if I could come in earlier. I looked back at the table to see the kids playing a wicked game of UNO instead of eating their toast or drinking their smoothies. So I assessed an unrealistic vision of the kids coming to the rescue for me putting down their cards and eating their breakfast bringing the plates to the sink and rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher and then whisking off to get dressed, teeth brushed, hair done, snack packed and out the door so that I could get to the dentist.

"Surrrrre I can be there at 8:30!"

And then I hung up came back to reality and started barking orders. When that didn't work - I accused my kids of being selfish. That they can't help me out and get ready quick for me this one time...because mommy has unrealistic goals. And then I managed to get totally manic and switched back to nice mommy just before dropping them off. Because hey, I don't want them to go to school upset. They were oblivious, but still.

I dropped them off and hustled over to dentist. It turns out it was a false tooth alarm. I have a ridiculous sinus infection. That's alarming that a sinus infection can make your teeth hurt. I'm just sayin. It turns out that my awesome dentist has signed up for the Omaha Triathlon. I explain how much fun it is and she's afraid of me now.

On my way home I schedule Farley a bath at his super salon. I pick up Farley and he sits in the passenger seat with me when he gets this look of humiliation and apology on his face and shits all while sitting in the passenger seat. I pull over to clean it up. Looks easy. Just two gifts of poop. But when I turned to pull over, Farley shifted to keep his balance and stepped in it mushing into the seat and his paw. I get that all cleaned up while gagging and realize when I told him to stay still - he did exactly as ordered and managed to poop out another while sitting and smeared it all over the seat and his butt. I hustle to the dog spa while he sits in each seat - sharing his poop all over the car. I drop off dog. There's good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

"Bad - ok - bad news is he pooped in my car and he's a bit of a mess. Trust me - I got the worst of the messes though. Well then what's the good news? The good news is that he doesn't need to poop anymore so y'all don't need to walk him. Do you guys know of a car detailing place?"

Mind you, Ricardo has just asked me to tone down the shopping for our budget's sake - but I'm pretty sure this counts as an emergency. Should he contest the urgency of the matter - I am happy to switch cars with him. However, he doesn't contest.

On my way to car detailing to beg them to make it all stop - my lady bits start to get uh - uncomfortable. A little bit crampy - sadly I think I might be familiar with this gig. I drop off the car. Guy asks me if I'm good with waiting 45 mins - I ask if he minds getting the poop out. We're both ok with each others request and quite frankly - I'm pretty sure I should just stop and sit for an hour. Don't move. Another pingy cramp - the last time this happened I drove myself to the ER. Which if you've ever had to - driving yourself to the ER just might be the best example of irony ever. I resolve to not let it get that bad.

So now - sit waiting for my car to be rid of dog shit and 4 years of kid gunk - Oh God - just remembered about the seatbelt with gunk in it. We've given up on it and folded it down in the Stow-N-Go because there's so much gunk in it, it won't buckle. Oh, maybe they could fix it! I run out to the detailers - whip out the seat we have down and show them the buckle with goo in it and explain - "This has goo in it and won't buckle - will you clean it?" The kid is in awe. Maybe he was ticked that was another seat he was going to have to detail and he was almost done. Or maybe we has fascinated by my one-handed kick ass super-hero move to make a seat appear out of nowhere. Or maybe he was afraid of the goo. Rap music is blaring in the shop. I want to ask "Who sings this?" but am not really in the mood to make a connection with Jimmy the car detailing guy and his rap music today. So, instead I say I say "What? You're not familiar with Stow-N-Go?" I smile. He giggles. We share a moment, and he agrees to try to get the goo out.

I go back in and dial my gyno and talk to the nurse. She's not laughing at my funny cramp and pee jokes. Dammit. Fine. And I'm instructed to come give a urine sample this afternoon. And there is the punchline of my entire day - "We're going to need a urine sample." Nice. The car was finished early - but they couldn't get the buckle gunk out. As long as the poops gone - good with that.

The urine test - which it turns out is very complicated, lots of instructions - comes up negative and nurse instructs me to cover all basis drink some cranberry juice and lots of water. Super, false alarm number two. Guess I should head on back over to medical school to brush up on...oh wait, that's right, I'm a journalism major! A negative test is great - but it reminds me of the time I thought my water broke - but that's not what it was at all... Now THAT was humiliating. Today is chump change.

Farley's spa calls and announces his arrival of decontamination and cleanliness. I look at my watch and it's time to pick up the kids from school. And I don't even have 3 hours to wait in the parking lot. Imagine that. I have 10 minutes to get there. Nice. I tell Farley's spa friend that I'll be there after I pick up the kids and head over to the school. The car smells fantastic and looks brand new. The kids get in the car and I apologize for calling them selfish this morning. Then I ask them if they want to know how my day was. They confer with each other in one glance, that this is a trap, but they'll humor me and take the bait. And I say,
"Farley pooped all over the car today." And they explode in evil laughter. Too bad they don't know I didn't have their seats cleaned. Just the front passenger seat.

So, how was your Monday?

That's how I roll.
Song of the day: Hold On Be Strong by 2Pac