I've got answers and then some

Okay y'all, I went to see my awesome doctor today. And started in asking the questions. First off, as a fantastic disclaimer, I need to tell all you that I'm not medically certified, inclined, nor educated to diagnose any of y'all. But I always have an opinion. And, I need to tell you that she, nor any other doctor can diagnose, counsel or answer questions for anyone other than their patients. So, I posed as having all of these questions. You're welcome, because it got weird when I started asking birth control questions.

I asked her how I would know an uh-oh lump versus a just regular lump. She paused, looked at my flat chest peeping out of the paper robe and then we laughed hysterically. No, that's not what happened. But, clearly this is not my question. If there was a lump, I could see it. Or maybe it would stop my bra from riding up. Whatever. However, she did suggest that cancer builds up calcium, so a cancerous lump should be very hard. Also, a lump won't move around when you push on it and try to move it. That's her version. My version is this - a lump is a lump is a lump is a lump. And what you may deem as soft and not hard enough, might be further under the skin and thus, hard, but cushioned. You have a lump, you get it checked out. Period.

Then I asked her, "How do I talk to my husband about him getting fixed?"

Slight pause because clearly this patient doesn't need this conversation. I tell her, "I think I can probably handle this one, but I also think I know what you're going to say."

"My official answer to that question is, 'Talk to your husband.'"
I thought she'd say something like, "I think your lady bits have worked hard enough, don't you? Let him contribute to the birth control/family planning now." But she didn't. And I agree, with her only answer, "Talk to your husband." Good point. Obviously, my personal opinion here is a bit skewed. I got it all taken care of, still have my hormones raging, and I got my very own mommy vacation complete with oxycodone. And really, no laundry for 6 weeks? Seriously. It's worth it. Ofcourse having a man worry about his junk for just the 1 day recovery kinda sounds fun too.

"Okay, the next question is, what's the best birth control that does the least amount of damage to my hormones."

I get the "I know this isn't your question look." More pause. And then she gets up and says, "I've got two ladies in labor. I'm sorry, but I need to focus on getting your exam done and get to the hospital."

You're sorry. Really? I explain that there's no need to apologize. Because if it were me in labor, or any of these ladies, we'd expect Dr. to be there and not answering some questions for a blog. We agree that she can do the whole exam and still answer the questions.

"The best birth control for your hormones is abstinence."

"Is that also how one might start dialogue about getting the husband snipped?"

"Are you suggesting cutting him off from sex until he gives in to get a vasectomy? Not a bad idea, Les."

"Thanks.I'm full of great ideas."

I asked her about the essure gig. She said there's a new one coming out that is way less evasive and more effective. It'll be out in a just a few months. She couldn't remember the name though. And really, why should she? She's got two women in labor and a woman who's had an ablation, her tubes tied, and a hysterectomy asking questions for her pals birth control needs.

She finished up my exam and then we got to schedule my mammogram. She again apologized and asked, "So, you have a blog, huh?"

"Yes, I write about you on there a lot."

"Is it like Facebook? I've had some patients ask me to get on Facebook."

"Don't do that. It's too casual and people will start asking you bizarre questions like how to talk to their husbands about vasectomies or birth control. Facebook is too fun for that."

"Yes, I'm concerned I'd get on Facebook too much."

"It's addictive."

"I have to go, it's always fun to visit with you though. Sorry to cut it so short."

I got dressed and got out one of my bloggy business cards and wrote a note on the back, "Here's this blog I'm always talking about. Check it out when you're not doing frivolous things like birthing babies. Happy Day, Leslie"

That's how I roll.