Tri it

This is NOT what we looked like in our trisuits. And who's the chick with the flowy hair? That's no serious triathlete! FOR SHAME!

JulzHOLLA! and I are doing a triathlon! Our thinking is it'll get us in the gym because in a large group, we will want to look good. So, that peer pressure has us actually working out at the gym instead of coffee breaks, lunch at the cafe, or better yet, margaritas by the pool.

JulzHOLLA! even got us a few swim lessons. Now we're crazy professional because we have our own swim coach. Our swim coach, "Cathi" has been very patient with us. She's a serious triathlete. Currently, she's upset because in her last triathlon she won her division, but got 4th overall - with a borrowed bike, no less. Our goal is to finish while still upright. So, you can imagine what she's working with. I think she thinks we're underachievers, but she does so with a pleasant smile and informative tips on swimming better. That's nice.

It doesn't help that in a pool, your hearing is a bit muffled what with the water and all, and then it's just an echoish place. So, we're getting our first lesson, and Cathi tells us to do a drill where we just use our arms. We were instructed to grab our pool boys, and put them between our legs. The swimming portion of the triathlon just got really good! Sweet, I named my pool boy Rico and introduced myself before I put him between my legs. I can't remember what JulzHOLLA! named hers since we were laughing so hard. This tri training with JulzHOLLA! is so much fun. But it turns out it's called a "Pull Buoy" not a "Pool Boy". Too bad, they probably would have had a much better marketing campaign with my name for it. Clearly, the triathlon/swimming community needs us for times like these.

So, JulzHOLLA! and I scoped out triathlons with certain criteria:

• It had to be an in-pool swim versus a lake swim. Momma's not ready for that yet.


• It had to be far enough out calendar-wise that we would have plenty of time to train for it. OR have plenty of time to procrastinate and then cram 13 weeks of training into 3 weeks. Whatever.


• And it had to be fairly close for us to drive to.

And lo - LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION sure did factor in when we found a triathlon in-pool, 13 weeks out, that was in LeMars, Iowa - which if you didn't know is home to Blue Bunny Headquarters. It's as if all the stars aligned in our favor.

Once we had all that worked out, it became apparent, that JulzHOLLA! and I have uh, different needs shall we say for wardrobing this event. When you go from swim to bike to run, there's things that should be covered and properly fitted. JulzHOLLA! is much more well-endowed than I am up top. And, well, she's nursing. So, her ladies need lots of support. Not so much for me. Still, somewhere along the way, we decided we'd need to match. Yay!

And then we went to try on tri-suits. Yes, there is such thing as a tri-suit. It's like a sleeveless onesie type of deal with bike shorts. So, we went to our favorite sports superstore and had a lovely 16-year-old girl with 2% body fat help us find our size (ahem, the largest ones they had). First of all, perhaps it wasn't our size after all. Secondly, the tri-pants - and the bottom part of a tri-suit have a 3" band of super band elastic which I'm pretty sure is there to keep the suit in place from riding up. But when you're 6'3", just putting the suit on uh, the bodice was too short, and there was pulling and gaping in areas there never never should be. But the band on the shorts was the better visual issue. It pretty much kept my suit on by cutting off the circulation in my legs, I'm fairly certain. And, in doing so, made my thunderthighs look like a weird donut. Or you know when you tie up a beef tenderloin with string, and the meat kinda bulges out...you'll never appreciate a beef tenderloin again thanks to me. It was gross. Really.

We came out of our dressing rooms laughing hysterically with and at each other. The poor 16-year-old had no idea what to say. So, we comforted her as best we could, "It's okay hun. We know they don't fit." Tears of hysteria are dripping from our eyes. "Just know that having babies is what does this to your body. So, let this be your lesson in abstinence okay? Don't worry..." more hysterical laughter "We'll do our best to get these suits off as best we can without scissors. BAAAAAHAHAHAHHA!" That poor girl is probably still devastated at what we looked like in those tri suits.

It was kinda like Fat Guy In A Little Coat. Except it was more like my Fat Thunder Thighs In A Little Tri Suit! Oh. We weren't giving up either. We finally found a two piece gig that will meet all of our requirements. We went back to the store but, surprisingly enough, the girl wasn't there. There was a nice guy there who suggested with these super duper tops, there's no need for a sports bra. JulzHOLLA! and I glanced at each other, started giggling again, but this guy was smarter and just walked away. So, now we are officially suited for our race. We're going to look fabulous while getting lapped! And we'll be having the most fun than any of those "winners". That's for sure.

That's how I roll.