A convo with my lady doctor

Today I went in for my 2 week check up - just the scars, no stirrups - visit. That's how they get you in there. They have to differentiate between the two types of visits like that.

I waited patiently in the lobby because I was too caught up in a vicious tic-tac-touch game on my itouch. (I'm just gonna keep calling it that.) So, when a BOLT OF LIGHTNING HIT THE BUILDING I WAS SITTING IN, and the lady sitting next to me jumped up and fell in my lap, you can imagine my surprise. It sounded like a thick piece of wood snapping in two. So weird. No one volunteered to go outside and see if it left a mark.

I love it when they knock on the door, like, "You decent." Because typically at the lady doctor's visits, uh, no, I am wearing a paper napkin, seriously, you don't need to knock. So, I like to get a deep man voice when they knock and say, "WHO IS IT!?" Lady doctor didn't even flinch and walked right in.

"Hi there, how are you feeling?"

"Doing good. Hey, what did you say to Ricardo while I was knocked out silly? I think he's afraid of you...teach me your ways."

"I just told him what you could and could not do. Did you get a hair cut?"

"Well, with all these restrictions, I got bored and decided my bangs needed a trim...This is your fault."

"Perhaps another restriction: No scissors - should be added to the list."

"HAHAHA, funny doctor. And yes, perhaps."

"Okay, let's see here, everything looks good. Any regrets?"

Big dramatic sigh, "Oh doctor, I want to have kids again!"

Loud laughter from the both of us.

"Uh, no doc. No regrets."

"Well, you look fantastic. Any pain?"

"Nope."

"Do you need more pain medication?"

"Uh, no, I have plenty left over. Do you know of how to dispose of that stuff? I don't want it hanging around. I mean, other than the fact I could take it down to 20th and make $30 a pill?"

Judgemental glare.

"I'm just sayin. Look, I haven't DONE IT. But I know people who know things. It's the word on the streets."

"Hold on to the pills in case you break a bone or something."

"If I break a bone, won't they give me more pills?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Hmmm. Any hot flashes?"

"Uh, what? No. You didn't tell me about any hot flashes."

"Well, you get blood flow from here and here. And if here doesn't work, sometimes, the result is hot flashes."

"I look forward to them, I'm always cold."

"Well, if you haven't had any now, you're not getting them for another couple of decades. And trust me, you won't appreciate them. Ok, show me your incisions."

Raising my shirt up, "I get that request a lot..."Show us your scars!' heh heh."

"Wow, you're a fast healer!"

"Does that mean I can get back to lunges and squats?"

"NO WAY."

"What's the big worry, something gonna fall out?"

"No, your internal stitches, Leslie. Nothing will fall out. Do we need to review your biology again? Everything's attached, you know that right?"

"Don't review, because I'll just forget again. So, the stitches are still the issue?"

"Yes, you strain your abdomen lifting or lunging or whatever, and you'll bleed. And I think we've covered the fact you don't want to do that, right?"

"Well, what about vacuuming?"

"Same thing, it's the motion, and carrying the vaccuum around."

"What if I'm reeeeeeeeeallly careful?"

"NO."

"So, mowing the lawn's out of the question too?"

"Yes."

"Yes, I can do it or yes it's out of the question?"

"You can NOT mow the lawn or vacuum or lift your kids or anything over 10 pounds for the next 4 weeks."

"Yes ma'am. What about running?"

"NO!"

"Swimming?"

"Nope."

"Yoga?"

"No."

"Tai Chi?"

"Did you just ask for a latte? What is that? No wait. Never mind. No. You can walk. That's it. And I'll allow you to take your stairs at home, but no stairmaster, and no running up stairs."

"Well, I wouldn't do that anyway, so there. I have my limits and I refuse to do the stairmaster. So, uh, no on the lunges, huh?"

"NO!"

"Fine, I'll just have to wait another 4 weeks before I can do anything for these thunder thighs."

"Let me know when you find the answer, I could use the answer. Hey, did you post the pictures on your blog?"

"Not yet."

"Why not!?"

"Fine, I'll do it, but can I drive now?"

"Yes!"

"Anytime I want?"

"Well, don't go doing something crazy like a cross-country road trip."

"Geez, always the nay sayer! See you next month."

That's how I roll.