Memory, it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
About a year ago, we were finishing up dinner, and ding_dong _ there was knock at the door. I looked out the window and realized I’d forgotten a little something _ WE’D INVITED GUESTS OVER FOR DINNER! We were so embarassed, and immediately fessed up. They said they weren’t that hungry anyways. We sat and visited. I’m fairly certain they pinched their baby when we weren’t looking to make her cry so they’d have an excuse to leave. We apologized profusely, they swore it really was no worry. And they left. We haven’t seen nor heard from them since. And they’re FAMILY for crying out loud.
Yesterday I’d had a productive day, getting lots of stuff done before the weekend came. I even leisurely got to the school parking lot early, and parked in a parking space, knowing I’d be blocked in, but that would be okay, we just wait it out. We wait for all the traffic to die out. My mom called and we were chatting for just a second when I realized, the kids had an eye exam appointment. It was 3:20, I was supposed to get them out of school at 3:15. I still had time to get them, but was now blocked in by other cars. I ran in, got the kids, asked a lovely lady to move so I could get out, and we made it. Still, I was mad that I’d forgotten about this appointment I’d made and was eager to get to _ I remembered all week, got the reminder call from their office, and then, the day of, simply forgot.
Today, we had a really lazy day at the house. We did make it to the gym to get in a workout. Which is good because it’s cold out here, and I like to bake when it’s cold. So, I go on facebook, and brag that I’m making Pumpkin Whoopie Pies. We have dinner, we have the Whoopie Pies. We read books. We send Lucy to her room for not listening. We read more. We tell stories. The kids go to bed. I jump on Facebook and my pal shoots me a note. She was just checking on me because I never made it over to her house. I FORGOT HER DINNER PARTY! And she found me, instead of at her house _ with the dessert I was supposed to bring perhaps it could have been the damned Whoopie Pies _ but I’m on Facebook on a Saturday night. I’m an ass. I’m embarassed.
There’s more instances. I’m sure of it. I just can’t REMEMBER THEM right now. I’ve always known I’ve been flighty. But as a mom, I knew I had to stop laughing at that little guffaw, and be mindful. My sleep deprived hormones had another plan. But now I’m well_rested. So, we can’t use flighty or tired anymore. Then I figured I just had too much stuff going on, and cut back. I cut way back on my personal distractions so that I could focus on the kids and their schedules. So, I’m no longer flighty, tired or too busy.
I’m a little tired from working out. Ricardo and I have stepped up our workouts. But I thought more exercise was supposed to make me sharper. Right?
I write everything down. I have a notebook calendar, a wall calendar, and when I’m not near either of those two, I put stuff on my phone calendar now. The problem with this dinner party tonight is, I was ON my cell phone when she called. Someone came to the door, I had to go quickly. “Look something shiny!” And I forgot until it was too late tonight.
So, what the heck is this forgetting dates and important events? Dear Lord, if you need to be picked up from the airport, call anyone but me! I don’t want that reputation.
It’s to the point now (tonight’s episode) where it’s way past funny. It’s embarassing. I’m making an effort, I really am. So, when is the point that it goes from “she’s funny forgetful lady” to “early onset Alzheimer’s” or “there’s medication for that”?
Someone help!
That’s how I roll. But only when I remember to do so.

Yesterday, Ricardo and I went to a workout group class _ BOOT CAMP. The warm up was enough to make me want to leave, go down the the cafe, and have a beer. Just give up. Alas, I had a light at the end of my tunnel. Once the class was over, I was going out to the Melting Pot to celebrate a friend’s birthday. So, I had to work out hard, and earn some of those calories I was about to consume.
We’ve been trying to be a little more flexible with the kids. So, when he asked them where they wanted to go for dinner, Max said Fazzoli’s and Lucy said KFC. Granted, had I been there, I would have made them pick one. (I’m working on it!) Ricardo, on the other hand, is a bit more creative and flexible, and just said, “Okay.” And went through both drive_thrus. And that’s why they love Daddy the best. Hmmph.
One of the best things I think Ricardo and I do, and have always done, almost every day is share something sweet or funny the kids do or say that day. So, when I got home from cheese and chocolate greatness _ he was eager to tell me about their ride home.
Max got his Fazzoli’s first, and was pleasantly surprised when he saw he got TWO breadsticks instead of one.
“Lucy you can have a breadstick since I have two.”
“Thank you, Max!”
Then they went to KFC. While waiting for the food, Max has thought this one out,
“You know Lucy, you get two goldfish cookies with your meal.” Pause.
“That’s right Max. And you gave me one of your breadsticks, so I’ll give you one of my cookies! Thanks Max!”
They are NEVER that agreeable when I’m around. Perhaps it’s that they wait for me to FORCE them to share….
The best was on the way home. While Lucy is in the back seat with drumstick in hand she says
“I don’t want to eat animals. It makes me sad that they die.”
Pause.
“Although, this chicken sure is YUMMY!” And then took another big bite of the drumstick.
During the pause, I would have interjected that it’s good protein, and when you’re 18, you can work out tofu and soybeans. That it sounds good and pure in theory, but that just the 6 Fridays a year during Lent are almost impossible. So for now, you’re eating animals.
Certainly, this little conversation has been a great lesson for me to just shut up and listen and wait for it. Inevitably, they figure it all out on their own.
That’s how we roll _ one great big loving oxymoronal family unit.

I’d like to thank the casting director. That is so sweet of you to cast Jennifer Anniston to play me! People who get to know me, get to know my dog. And so, when the book, Marley & Me came out, it was highly recommended that I read it. However, I think it was in the midst of potty training, and then we had a year of family deaths soon followed. Someone had told me how the book ends, and I just didn’t want to vest that emotions in that book. I’m a slow reader, so it would have been a long, drawn_out read only to depress me. I never read it.
So, when the movie came out, I was told to go see it. Given that I heart Owen Wilson and that a movie would be a lighter and quicker presentation of the emotional high and then low, I gave in and saw the movie. As usual, I laughed hysterically. This time, it was because everything Marley did, Farley has done. My favorite line is when Owen Wilson says, “Dear God, you can eat drywall?!” As you can see here, Farley’s been there and done that. And I bawled at the end of the movie. The only thing I wished they’d shown on the movie was how protective and cute Farley, woops, I mean Marley, was with the kids.

As many stories as I have about Farley the Wonderdog eating couches, pantyhose, rib roasts, or tamales, he watches over the kids. When they are outside playing, he sits by the window and just watches. A car so much as drives by, he’s barking as if to say, “That’s right car, you best just keep on driving by.” Don’t get me wrong. The dog loves Ricardo more than anything. When we’re all on the bed, Farley wedges himself between the kids and Ricardo. I think he holds the same theory my sister had when we were kids. I heard her tell a neighbor kid one time, “HEY, NO ONE HITS MY SISTER BUT ME!” So sweet and protective like that. Still, Farley takes care of us all. And if that means he has to eat the loaf of bread on the counter to maintain his strength to protect us all, then so be it.
I’ve decided to stop yelling at the dog, or even disciplining him. I can’t teach an old dog new tricks like not destroying the house. Right? So, I’m just going to love my dog, even when he eats the drywall.
Soon after I had that little epiphany, JulzHolla! sent an email that they had a friend that found black lab puppies on the side of the road, and needed to find a home for them all, and tagged it with “Farley needs a friend”. I was totally against it, but that vixen attached the picture, and I was totally suckered. We have a strict policy that Farley is the only dog we will ever own. All I have to do to be reminded of why we came up with that policy is go pick up the pooh in the backyard. So, I emailed the finder of the puppies and told her I couldn’t take them, but offered up my super blog services. Luckily they found homes for all of them.
Then we took the kids to see Hotel For Dogs. It’s a cute movie, and made me want to go save all the dogs at the Humane Society. I opted to wait until I picked up the pooh in the back yard again before I made such a rash decision. And then I went over to a friends house and she had a new second dog, a 4 month old Lab. It was as if God was telling me to get a puppy! Right!?
It took a LOT of convincing, but Ricardo finally caved. Here’s a picture of our new puppy!

I’m crazy, y’all. Not Stupid! I did not get a dog. Farley is all we need. And I just want to enjoy my dog. Because one day, my time with Farley will come to an end. And I don’t want to deter any more attention from him. Some dogs need a friend. Farley just needs us, and the occasional drywall fix.
That’s how I roll.

When I saw this interview, I thought, “Oh look, it’s finally coming out, they’re both coming out of the “I’m totally overrated and unqualified closet”. Since then, I retract my statement. It took the ending scene from Tropic Thunder to win me back on Tom Cruise. Lauer, I still loathe. Sadly, the subject at hand, prescription drugs for depression, after seeing this ad the other day, I guess Tom Cruise might be on to something.
Ricardo and I were having a romantic night of watching tv, when we came across this ad for medication for depression. Well, really, it is a supplement to other medications. Odd. But then 3/4 of the commercial is the disclaimer for all of the side effects. I tried to transcribe it with our awesome dvr rewind action, but it was so much, I just went to the website and copied and pasted this. This now validates my doubt in our health care system.

That’s it? I’m afraid to ask what the benefits of it are.
That’s how I roll.

Imagine this picture of Al giving us the weather except instead of a tropical destination and the path of a hurricane, imagine a giant jet stream of cold going across America, right through Omaha.
Here’s our dialogue while watching the local weather:
“Stupid meteorologist with his messy spiked hair. How dare he smile when he reports this stuff?”
“Did he just say 5 below? Is that with windchill or not?”
“Well, it’s 5 below with windchill tonight. But tomorrow, It’ll be 5 below, but with windchill of 30 below.”
“Does that mean we’re neighbors with Russia?”
“Yes, Leslie. Yes, that’s exactly what it means.”
That’s how I roll.

Where exactly do I begin? After several daily phone calls from several Indian Customer Service Support Representatives _ Once you go Indian, uh, they’ll never let me go _ I finally got my computer back.
Once I mailed off my computer, I realized all my preferences, log ins, an email account, all of it, was in the computer. I do have a passwords file _ but never printed it out. So, I’ve completely dumbed myself down. Super. I couldn’t remember certain log ins to blog and speak to my masses. So, I apologize at my neglect as i have technically failed you.
While I awaited my evening phone call from Mumbai to check on my mental status _ my file is probably color coded under “crazy lady freak show” and i’m guessing they had me on speaker phone just for fun, you know, to keep the morale up over there_ and the status of my computer, I discovered that I’m a bit addicted to my computer. It’s my brains. I love it. And I’m materialistic and needy for my laptop.
I had to treat it like a break up. Replace my fulfillment of my sweet, precious, funny and generous laptop with other things. What is there to do? I guess I could cook a meal. Nah. Ooooh, maybe I’ll get laundry done in ONE day instead of several. Nope. Well, there’s always high def tv. I’m in!
Wouldn’t that be fun if we could send off relationships to get fixed? When they get back, there’s a note that says, “Let us know if he messes up again.” And a report card enclosed with all adjustments made checked off. “Listens to your feelings” The guys in Mumbai could walk us through the if/then charts. It’d be awesome!
I didn’t realize my love and commitment to my computer until I got it back today. All fixed and pretty. All week, I’ve been walking around in a daze. Forgetting stuff, double booking. Which, believe me, I do anyways. But just more than the normal.
I’m glad to have my friend, my laptop here with me. The kids are too. I have been making more time for them. And sadly, they’re pretty sick of me. So, when we got home from the gym tonight and they saw the computer box. I thought it was so sweet how happy they were for me. How selfless and sweet. Until I heard,
“Lucy! Mom got her computer back so she can write on her website and not make us play games with her all the time!”
Bad news kids, while the computer was gone, Mommy devised several lists, one of which was a Better Daily Priorities List. Mommy’s cleared her day for board games, reading and talking about our feelings, with or without the laptop! It’s gonna be a long winter!
That’s how I roll.

Back in the day, Dell’s biggest problem was their Dell Guy busted for pot. I much rather would have had that guy on the phone. We could have talked about our munchies.
But instead, I just got in a fight with a guy named Aqridesh from Mumbai, India because he couldn’t get through the if/then online manual for Dell Tech Support. Trust me when I say, I’m good with India. I love India. I hope to visit there one day, good food, amazing culture, extreme architecture, and I can visit all the people I’ve talked to on the phone for tech support.
I’m pretty sure the guy was afraid of me most of the call, but also, I think I heard him snicker. Touche’ Aqridesh, touche’. So, after going in circles, half in broken english, and getting nowhere for 30 minutes, when I asked him what his supervisor’s name was and he responded by telling me that he wasn’t at liberty to give me that information, nor could he tell me what company he worked for _ well, I got a little upset.
Let me take this opportunity to acknowledge that at some point, in my head, talking to a guy from Mumbai, India (Haven’t there been bombings there or something?) all in the name of getting my laptop fixxed because momma NEEDS to blog and to correspond with long lost friends on facebook, kinda seemed a bit superficial. But only enough to not mention that part to Aqridesh and keep begging for the resolution.
When I hung up on him, Lucy and Max were very curious to know, “Mommy, why wouldn’t he tell you who his boss was? And why wouldn’t he tell you where he worked.”
“Because he couldn’t find those answers in his manuals, honey. Now who’s ready to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua!?”
Truly my anger was misdirected. I’m not mad at Aqridesh, I’m pretty mad at Dell though. I’ve had nothing but Dell computers all of my life. Our desktop computer and both of our laptops are DELLS. What’s funny to me is, I didn’t get Aqridesh on the phone when I called to buy my computers. But as I type right now, I’m researching iBooks while I wait for an online chat with tech support.
Mostly I’m mad at this. I was on hold for 37 minutes. Of which I heard this recorded message well over 10 times: “You’re wait is more than 10 minutes. If you would like to talk to someone within 2 minutes FROM NORTH AMERICA, for an EXTRA FEE we can make that happen.” I kid you not. Call Dell Tech Support and listen to it for yourself!
Meanwhile, I can’t tell you how many times, (fine, twice now) I’ve taken my ipod in there with a puzzled look of dismay, and the 19 year_old angels of Apple shine on me and take the ipod out of my hand, push some buttons, and fix it. They don’t need a damned service tag number, or to sit down and trouble shoot with me. They don’t put me on hold to access my records. Hell, they don’t even need my name. It turns out, with a Mac, you can just take your ibook into their store and talk to someone, face_to_face with a white cracker preppy ass english speaking pimple face pompous son of a bitch who works across the breezeway from the gap.
Suddenly, I love those Apple yuppies. However, my only resolve will probably be to take it. As soon as this warranty is up, I’ll show you DELL! I’m off to get an iBook.
**Publishers Update, after a two hour wait on hold with the Dell Tech Support Online Chat, a lovely person, Cheltan, also from India, helped me resolve the issue. I have to mail my computer to Dell and then they fix it and mail it back. Never an option with Aqridesh, but whatever. Still, if I had a Mac, I could take it to their store. I’ll consider that next purchase. Perhaps its time to phase out the ol Dells. After the conversations over the last couple of days, I’m not too sure Dell wouldn’t be heartbroken of our break up either.
That’s how I roll.

I thought it would be fun to have Old Year’s Reflections instead of New Year’s Resolutions. This is my choice of fun primarily so that I can reflect on how fabulous I am. More than that, I have a few good friends I’m always discussing the latest self_help book with, and I’ve looked at some amazing people this year and begged them that indeed, we are our own toughest critiques. Perhaps the time for change isn’t always necessary and we should just glow with what we got! Glow on girl!
I do have a New Year’s Resolution, or two. But let’s have more fun with how fantastic this past year has been instead of how I need to change. I fear change anyways.
1. Said goodbye to a precious friend and kept a promise to her. The fact that the three of us were friends for so long, and what it took to say goodbye. That a lifelong friendship’s connection could deepen and bond ten_fold, I have such gratitude for my Yallison.
3. Lost myself in a book _ well, four to be exact. It’s been a long time since I allowed myself such a frivolous recreation.
4. Enjoyed my kids. This might sound weird to some. But as good ol Oprah would say, I lived in the present. Maybe it’s their age. Maybe it’s mine. But I’ve had more fun with these kids in the past year than my teenage years on a roller coaster. I laugh with them, and at them often. They reflect insightfulness and thoughtfulness each day. When I tell them I’m going up on stage to do comedy, their eyes light up and they “help” me with jokes. When I fell on my knees on ice skates, Max, who is no longer into snuggling or kissing Mommy these days, took advantage of our same height and came up to hug me. Patted me on the back and asked if I was ok. When I’m sick, they bring me water. They’re still rotten at times. But I think I’ve even enjoyed some of those moments. So, enjoyed my kids.
5. Laughed and cried so hard that I made an awkward bark_mixed_with_a_quack noise. It’s a true feat. Everyone should have that mix of emotions atleast once in their lives. I challenge you to do it.
6. Established a few boundaries. Some, a little too late, and I inevitably told a few people off. It’s time I stand up for myself and my family, and even my friends. I have limits. And they are as follows: Don’t jack with me, my kids, or my Ricardo.
7.Lost the weight. Sure, I’ve gained a bit back. So, I’ll lose the few pounds and keep it off this year. But this past year, I lost the weight. For as long as I can remember, some form of losing weight or being healthy has been my token New Years Resolution. But I can honestly say that I’m okay with me. And just not having that as this year’s resolution is a success story for me!
8. Kept my mouth shut. Not from eating, but from speaking my mind. I learned this year that sometimes, the best way to be understood is by not saying anything at all. Not ALWAYS thecase, but sometimes.
Today I celebrated the New Year with some great new friends. It was so fun and easy, and VERY VERY Tasty! So, here’s to ringing in the New Year, taking the good things from last year and carrying them on to a new year of hope.
That’s how I roll.