Anxiety

I'm not your average gal. Ricardo, stop laughing. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm really tall, I'm a stay-at-home mom slash comedian with absolutely no domesticative skillz at all, but one of my favorite things to do is vaccuum, I'm pretty normal. I think. Perhaps exceptional, when you consider my uterus of steel...

However, when God made me, he missed one little detail of womanness. Shopping. I hate it. I hate to shop. Particularly clothes shopping. I hate it. As a matter of fact, I don't do it. So, that's good. I went looking for a sweater, just something nice to wear to a romantic dinner with Ricardo the other day, and had to make myself try things on. I think I had a little bit of an anxiety attack in the dressing room. JulzHOLLA made me vow to try it on before I buy it. So, I held true to my promise and did so. But it's cold out, so I'm not good with unlayering. My hands are ice cold - always - and bound to touch my body when de-robing. Then there's the fact I have to see myself without clothes on. Never a fan of that. And ofcourse, there's always the worry that I didn't lock the door and someone will accidentally bust in, or that there's some security guy behind my mirror gagging on his bag of popcorn when it's my turn for the cheap show he's about to get. Either of the two people scenarios then run out screaming, "My eyes! My eyes! The horror!" Just the potential of said moment occurring pretty much keeps me shopping online, or not shopping at all. So, next time you see me in my 1990's clothes, just remember, that's the era I gave up shopping. Be kind to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love to shop - for food. It's practically a well-skilled hunt the way I get my food for my family. I love grocery shopping. I'm guessing the anorexic fashion-diva models fear the grocery store, just as I loathe clothing stores. Grocery stores are my domain. MY HOUSE! And I do like the occasional stroll through the aisles at Target. But when I need a particular item, it seems like exactly what I'm looking for is never there. And I pretty much never pay attention to details or sales.

So, when my Mother-In-Law called and invited me to shop with her on Black Friday, I faked it as long as I could before I finally had to fess up and ask, "Well, uh, hmm...what exactly IS Black Friday?"

"Well, it's the day after Thanksgiving." She explained very patiently. She's never surprised with me.

And, they have a name for the Day after Thanksgiving? I thought it was just the Day after Thanksgiving Sales. But no, it's BLACK Friday.

"Sure I'll go." What?! What was I thinking!?

Last year, I made MyDaph take me and show me her ways on the Day after Thanksgiving - woops, I mean BLACK Friday. I like how MyDaph rolls, we didn't have a list, just kind of relayed to each other what we might be looking for. At 6a.m. we hit the stores, and I was shocked to see sharks in a blood filled blood-shopping frenzy. People were mean and on a mission. It reminded me of the 80's when the Cabbage Patch Dolls came out and ladies were on the news in fist fights for the dolls. I watched that as a kid, knowing I'd never get the beloved doll because my mom wouldn't get it for me, nor fight for the doll for me. Of which, I'm proud of my mom for that. However, should Lucy get a Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas this year - ahem - I might play with it while she's at school.

Still, last year, when I watched people fighting over the big sales, I realized that I'm not much for shopping, nor confrontation. I think I'd rather pay the regular price and maintain my dignity - for shopping atleast. The worst attitudes I saw were in the Starbucks line anyways. It was like Y2K - that Black Friday, the only store I wanted the good deals at was for my WallFlowers at Bath & Body WOrks, and the frenzy was so great, the lights kept going out. We're blowing circuits, say what? Isn't this many people in a dark store like this some kind of safety hazard?

I've gotta say though, trusting MyDaph with my first roll with Black Friday was genius. We had more fun laughing at everyone else, and we did find some deals. I got my WallFlowers.

This year, I plan to stock up on WallFlowers again. Other than that, I'm going for the ride, because I love spending time with these ladies. It's rare, and if I have to wake up at 4a.m. and hunker down in the trenches of retail shopping, I suppose I will. I promise to annoy people with my perky smile and goodwill - glad tidings of comfort and joy. As long as I have my coffee and my girls for back up, I should be okay. I just hope I don't expose myself and let my girls down when they realize what a sucky shopper I am.

That's how I roll.