Grey matters

I've been waiting for the perfect way to put this into words. But I've given up on the whole perfection gig. It's totally overrated anyways. No words can ever describe what I've been through in the last few months anyway. My friend, Carrie, passed away on Sunday. She died peacefully surrounded by her family. Her funeral was beautiful, just like her. Carrie had brain cancer and up until just a few short months ago, we thought she was beating it. Then the bottom fell out of our world. Calls. Emails. Hope. Panic.

Yallison and I did get to see her before she passed away. We couldn't seem to get there soon enough. I wrote this the morning we were going to see Carrie a few weeks ago, I think it sums it all up. This was read at her funeral:
*****
There are big days in each of our lives. You wake up, say, "Today I'm graduating." or "Today I'm getting married!" or "Today I'm having a baby." I never thought this day would be such an awe-inspiring moment when indeed, "Today, I get to see Carrie. I get to hug my friend. Tell her I love her." I've been waiting for what seems so long to get here and see her and show her we love her so much.

It was ofcourse very bitter sweet. We'd been planning our annual girls trip, and just took it to her instead.

She didn't make a lot of eye contact, kind of stared off, and has very little facial expression. That was hard to get used to, I thought she was upset with me at first. I told her I was thinking of getting a tattoo, and her whole face just lit up. And she looked right into my eyes. She loves tattoos, had about 7 I think. I told her I was thinking of getting "Flygirl" (her nickname) on my back, so I can say Flygirl always has my back. She squeezed my hand and struggled to whisper, "ABSOLUTELY". So, now I have to get a tattoo. A promise is a promise.

Some people imagine getting old with their spouse. I do too. But with each girlfriend's trip, I always thought we'd grow old together, swinging on a porch swing together. Now Yallison is stuck with me.

When I left, and had to head back home, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. As Carrie laid in that bed, I get to drive my car, hug my kids and my mom. I get to listen to music, to pet my dog, to smile at perfect strangers, yell at traffic.The simplest things are now privileges to me. I get to kiss my husband, or tell people I love them with ease. Every moment seems brighter now, every pleasant breath a gift. The very family I roll my eyes at with their quirks and misgivings, I hug a little tighter.

********
Ultimately, what I've learned from this is how truly loved Carrie was, but also, how loved I am. And the people who love us simply understood the sisterhood Yallison and I had with Carrie. They rallied up, to help us get to her when it really counted. Thank y'all for loving me, for loving Yallison, and for loving my Flygirl.

I've also inherited some amazing friends. They're stuck with me too. They'll go get that tattoo with me now, I suppose.

Carrie had a wicked sense of humor. So, when they told me they'd researched brain cancer, and the survivor ribbon color for brain cancer was grey, I almost fell over laughing. I held it in. But really. "It's grey matter" "It's all grey to me" - that's hillarious and perfect. So, we'll wear the grey ribbon for Carrie. Because now, it seems, Grey DOES matter.

There are days that it seems like she left us so quickly. The kids and I saw her in March. In May we started getting calls. Talked to her in June, she seemed okay. Too fast. And then days it seems like it lingered. At the end of her life, I'd get calls and updates, and would just pray God would have mercy on her body. So, when I got the call that she'd passed away. I immediately felt relief for her. Then guilt for feeling the relief. The emotions are heartwrenching. Devastating.

I am so sad but have to grin a bit because I know she's up in heaven groovin to some tunes and throwing back some brews in the company of other great people. Just like her. I keep listening to Coldplay. Over and over again. No one understands that like Carrie did. We'd listen to one song all day. It's between In My Place and Strawberry Swing. Here's some of the lyrics to Strawberry Swing. She'd appreciate it.

They were sitting
They were sitting on the
strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under
strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such...
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to
strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such...
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue,
could be grey
without you I'm just miles away

That's how I roll.