Yesterday, we scrambled to get some errands done in preparation for a road trip. So, I strategically dressed in my lightest clothes since Weight Watchers tends to frown on me walking in naked to weigh-in. I had to weigh-in before I left, because road trip food and me - well, I love me some fritos and bean dip is all I'm sayin.
So, we were to go weigh-in, then to the library, then to the grocery store. I weigh-in, I've lost even more weight. Yay me! And off we go to the library. When I get out of the car, I notice that I've scooted over something in my seat. I think I was going to see what was in it, but then a kid said something and I'm sure I was distracted by that. We walk in to the library, I go straight to the movies while the kids browse books, and I see this lady I know. Her kid and my kids went to preschool together. She's looking at movies too, but hasn't seen me yet. I can remember her kid's name, but not hers. So, I'm too embarassed to say hi. I'm in front of her, bent over a bit looking at the movies. She sees me, I'm pretty sure, but doesn't say hi. Now I know why. And now I remember her name: SANDY! You know who you are!!!!
Because two seconds later, a lady comes up to me and says "Ma'am, I just wanted to let you know that you have a pretty good sized rip in your pants." I reach to feel, and it's a tear down the left side of my ass cheek. It's the length OF MY HAND. For a clear visual, let me remind the masses that I wear thongs. I'm sure everyone that watched me enter the library thought I was wearing glaring white dimply granny panties. But no, it was just my bare ass.
I thanked the lady for telling me because SANDY sure didn't! And I rush the kids to the car. I tell them exactly what's up. Because, I think if you've ever tried to cram your growing ass into a pair of pants, you understand the humiliation of uh, well, splitting the seam. If not, you need to eat a burger. But this time, these pants were baggy. I'd gotten them when I lost weight. They are SJP Bitten pants. Remind me to send her a note of thanks for the thin material. I'm fairly certain I've snagged them, sat down, extended the little snag into a tear. So, I'm less humiliated, and more in go mode to get out of there. And I have kids with me. This should be great.
The kids take my giant green recyclable shopping bag and walk behind me covering up the glare. They think it's funny, but protect me too. So sweet. We get to the car, I sit down, and feel it rip some more.
On the way home, Max says to me, "Mommy, do you put underwear on before you put pants on in the morning?"
"What?"
"Because you didn't have underwear on where you ripped your pants."
That's because mommy wears a thong. Is thong one of your sight words little boy? It is now.
Instead, I explained as best I could, "Mommy wears mommy underwear. Just like your underwear is different from Lucy's. Mommy's underwear is less and different."
Then, for the rest of the drive home, Lucy explained to Max how my underwear goes. I can only imagine the hand gestures she used to show him.
Our plan was to get home, change, go to the grocery store, and then later, much later, after all the witnesses had left and had their retinas re-attached, we'd get back to the library. But in a split second - pun intended - as I was changing into much sturdier pants, I opted to put on my new MOTR shirt, and get my ass - pun intended again - back to the library so that everyone there would see me, and hopefully come to this website.
So, if you were at the library yesterday. I apologize that you had no warning. You'd put your sunglasses deep in your purse. And then had to see that dimpled glare. Bless your heart. Hopefully now, you know that I'm cool if you want to laugh with me now. Never at me. But with me is fine.
And thank you to the most beautiful woman in the world. We've never met, but I did show you my butt. So, I feel as though we are close. Thank you for approaching a giant woman with bad news that indeed, "Uh ma'am, you should really do something about that." You were very kind and brave.
That's how I rolll.
I laughed out loud when I read this! I was just at the Library, sorry I missed the unveiling of your behind!! Is Sandy her real name, because I don't remember a Sandy!
LOL, I love this. You crack me up. I only know of you from email but I feel a connection now for sure. Recently I was at one of my Mary Kay meeting's at a Directors home no less and I got to giggling and wet myself in front of everyone. Just thought I would make you feel better today!! Hope it worked! :}
I am still laughing about this! Your children have moved into a new category of growning up. It's called being em-bare-assed of your Mom and still trying to help her thru it. Think of it as yet another teaching moment. That stranger lady was a good person yesterday. Because I would have been laughing so hard I might not have been able to tell you the problem. But I definitely would have pointed.
ok first I must say I am so sorry that happened to you and then I must also say that I almost wet myself reading this! You are truly a strong woman and you should be proud that, after birthing children, you still wear a thong. I only whip that thing out on special occasions and going to the library would not be one of them. It disgusts me that Sandy would let a "friend" or any women for that matter walk around with a rip in the pants! I stand by a unwritten code that if there is something on your heal, in your teeth or hanging out of your clothes it is my duty as a women to say something. If it had been me I would have not only told you, but I would have helped you out of the library too. I'm sure your children will be talking about this for a long time.
Thanks for the laugh.
Jen
i want max's thoughts on the thong after lucy explained.
and ricardo's reaction - I think I can see the smile from Texas.