You just need two things.

I'm a woman on the edge, and this is my therapist...

I've decided - just right now - A Mommy, and pretty much all other girls, need two thing in life to keep them stable, and out of prison, at minimum. A Mommy needs girlfriends. Good solid girlfriends. Not the ones that will meet you for lunch and a pedicure, but the ones who will pick up the phone while her own kids are screaming. Ones who, in a moment's notice will let you shlep your kids OR dog off on in the event you've been let down by some other jackass. Someone who can just hear it in your voice that you need one of the following:
a break
a hug
a bar open at 10:30a.m.
a laugh
or even a good cry
or even a good slap

I can't tell you how many times, I've been watching the news and see a mom has lost it, gone over the edge, and I thought, "How could any mom do that?" It's not that I'm a better person, it's that I've got girlfriends who would help me, and if need be, slap me out of it. I expect them to do this. And they do, right girls?

I realize husbands out there, who have been searching this blog high and low on what my infinite wisdom can offer you for Mother's Day - you can't go out and get her one of these girlfriends. Please don't try. She'll take it the wrong way, trust me. "Here honey, I got you a new friend, happy mother's day! Isn't she cute!?" She'll have to find one on her own. But if your wife doesn't have a handful of solid friends, as your husband, it is your deed to help her find some. Or at the very least suggest it. Careful though. Rmember when you suggested to her that she cook more?

And please, I'll spare you now. DO NOT get in a fight with your beautiful wife and then in the heat of the argument say, "God woman, you need to find some FRIENDS! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS!" Or just because you don't like her current friends, go out and find her some new ones, hotter stripper ones. Please don't do that. Sidenote: Don't bring home a girlfriend for yourself either. Keep that one in your little cyber or mental image. Never make THAT one real. Got it?

But you CAN get her my next insistence. Every Mom NEEDS an Ipod. Seriously. And no, I do not even have personal stock in Apple, I promise. Yet. Steve Jobs, you should call me. I do have plenty of emotional stock vested there though. I used to fight the Apple Man. I had knock off Mp3 players. But ultimately, the grace and availability of an Ipod is so perfect for a Mom. It's as if a Mom said, "What if there was a screen, with pictures of the albums, and it scrolled like a jukebox, and it needs to be able to hold a charge, and maybe a cool little spinny scrolly thingy."

An Ipod takes the edge off. I don't even care to work out, but somedays, if I can check the kids in at the gym and slap my Ipod on, if that means I have to get on a treadmill or run three miles, that's fine with. It's worth it to have that time all to myself. And then if someone comes up to chat, you can just yell hi real loud and keep going, because you can't hear. The loud hello confirms that you can't hear anything but the gangsta rap.

Did she just say gangsta rap? Well, yes. Yes, I did. I just love it. I think 2 Pac said it best:

My homies dyin 'fore they get to see they birthdays
These is the worst days, sometimes it hurts to pray
And even God turned his back on the ghetto youth
I know that ain't the truth, sometimes I look for proof
I wonder if heaven got a ghetto, and if it does
Does it matter if you blood or you cuz
I'm tryin to tell you when it's on
You gotta keep your head to the sky and be strong, most of all hold on
Hold on. Be Strong. Hold on.
Cuz when it's on, it's on. Hold on.

A mom and a gangsta can relate. You don't believe me? Fine, here's why:
1. We're both fightin "the man".
2. Gangstas smoke their weed and drink their 40's, Mom's have their Xanax and Boxed wine. Same effect. Same twelve-step program.
3. (This is mostly for SAHMS) We're both pimps, sending our bitches out to make us money. Both waiting at the door when they get home, "Where's my money, Bitch?" You know it's true.

I have other playlists. One to help me get to sleep at night (there's only one 2 Pac song on that list), one to sing-a-long in the car with, one to work out with, one to cook to, one to rock out with the kids to. Because I can on my awesome IPOD. And every mommy needs her favorite songs at a clicks notice. Even if just for five minutes to stop and get a moment - whether it be calming, soothing, motivating, or if a mom just needs to take a minute to relate being a mom to a pimp. Or, if you want to rock out to an 80s Hairband, or Celine Dion, you can do it. And no one will ever judge you because it's all to you in your little ear buds.

So, if you're having a rough day, and need a little break, put your ipod on. When the kids come around the corner tattle-telling on brother and asking for their 3rd cookie knowing that you've told them no already them no. Just crank up the tunes and exclaim, "I CAN'T HERE YOU! COME BACK LATER." They will leave, you'll get your 5 minutes, and they WILL come back, but you'll be refreshed. Then you can call your girlfriend and tell her all about it.

If you're having a rough day, and you don't have one. Go get one. You just go straight to the Apple store (there's one at Village Pointe) and tell them I sent you. It's worth the investment. It's less calories that a double-doozie cookie at the mall, and WAY cheaper than a therapist.

That's how I roll.