Wrong Again...

Well, in an effort to tell this next VERY enlightening story of my life, I have to fess up. I joined Weight Watchers. I've avoided telling my great fanbase thus far for several reasons. First, what if I gain weight? What if it doesn't work like all the other diets?

The other reason is one time I was doing the ol Dr. Phil diet & exercise program - back when he was normal and not bailing out teenagers so he could exploit their good cause of beating the crap out of someone - who by the way- should go to jail just for being stupid. Taping it and posting it on YouTube? C'mon. They should have a special jail for stupid people. Apparently it should be called the Dr. Phil Show. I officially break up with you, Dr. Phil. Anyways, when I was doing THAT program, I lost I think around 50 pounds. (This was the baby weight...I gained 100 pounds pregnant, and I'm proud of it because I had healthy babies, so leave me alone.) So, I'm in the dressing room, getting ready for some gig, and we've all gotten Dr. Phil tshirts for some walk through downtown or something. And this Miss Bitter Lady Gigantore shows up in my space giving the once over look and politely lecuring me that I shouldn't even be a part of this Dr. Phil promo because I'm skinny. A) Eff Off Fatty. And 2) I'm "skinny" because I did the program and IT WORKED. Mo-Ron. That's the day that I realized some fat people hate less-fat people for complete same reason that they feel judged. So, I've been apprehensive to tell all that I'm in Weight Watchers because I didn't want to hear it: "You don't need to lose weight." That's flattering and all. But I'm 6'3", I can hold a little extra drunk in my trunk, and with the right girdle, no one will ever know. But I knew that I was still carrying around some weight that I should lose. We're striving to be healthy.

So, at the beginning of the year, I did it. I weighed in, and was way heavier than I thought. It was a tough realization. Because I work out atleast 4-5 times a week. It turns out my workouts were mundane and not challenging enough but my caloric intake was. I had to, according to Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka: "Strike that & Reverse it." So, here I sit counting points. I really enjoy Weight Watchers because they have a great system, and they have COOKBOOKS. And mamma loves me some cookbooks. Mind you I just MENTIONED to Ricardo that I was doing this and he immediately dropped 10 pounds. Jeesh. I have 4 pounds to go to reach my goal weight, and I've been losing and gaining back the last pound for a while now.

One of the reasons I love Weight Watchers is the particular meeting we go to. It's at night, and weighing in at night is not fun. I'm still struggling with it. I prefer going in the morning when I'm my lightest. My pal suggested we go, citing that the night time weigh in is well worth it. I wasn't buying it, so she bribed me with a get out of jail free card: We will go out to eat afterwards and eat whatever we want. When you're counting points, eating out is a luxury. It's our one meal we don't count. I'm in. So we go. It turns out, the speaker at the night meetings is worth every extra water weighted pound in gold. This woman is real. She's good and honest. And hillarious. I knew I loved her when she gave us a recipe for pie, cited how many points per serving and then cited how many points for the entire pie, just in case we needed it. God Bless this Weight Watcher Woman's Soul.

Last week, at the meeting, she was talking about what triggers bad eating, or in all our fat butt's cases: binge eating. I hate these talks because I am not an emotional eater. I just love food is all. I love to read about it, watch shows about it, smell it, eat it, eat more...look at the pictures in the cookbooks, make menus, grocery lists, cook for friends, eat more. If I could have any celebrities over for dinner it would be Rachel Ray, Paula Deen, Emeril, and Alton Brown. I love food. So the word "trigger point" for me with food is moot. But I sat there and listened. I guess if I AM an emotional eater, it's when I'm happy. And I'm pretty much always happy. And that's totally unfair.

So, we're talking about times in the day that we're triggered to eat. Someone brings up late at night. And I hone in. Me too. I chime in, and after I get playfully chastised for eating in bed - appparently that's a no-no. Whatever - I save points up for it. Awesome leader lady starts asking what other things we can do when it's late at night and we can do something else rather than eat. If we can find something else to pre-occupy ourselves for just 15-20 minutes, chances are, we won't eat. The craving will pass. I think the following is a list of suggestions from the audience of us fatties:
Read (I can do that eating)
Take a hot bath (If under the right conditions I can do THAT and eat too.)
Knit
Draw
Journal

All fairly good ideas.

She says "What else?"

Wow. The pressure is on. I'm thinking. She's fishing. I hate it when teachers do this. I take it very personally that she's counting on me to come up with the RIGHT ANSWER. Thinking. Thinking. I come up with something and then doubt myself as to if it's the right answer. I hesitate to raise my hand because remember when you were in school and your teacher asks a question and you totally know you've got it, finally, you know something and can so shine? Teacher calls on you and you tell teacher the answer only to hear, "Well, not quite." It's crushing. So, I resist answering.

"What else can we do to distract ourselves from eating late at night for 15-20 minutes?"

I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT THE RIGHT ANSWER. This HAS to be it. It's what she's searching for, because she's real, and funny and this is the best most correct answer in all the land! This MUST BE IT.

"Yes Leslie."

"Have sex!"

Jaw drops, she gets a little flush. Pulls her sweater up tighter around her up to her neck. Doesn't quite know what to say, apparently, it was NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER. But she finally says, "For 20 minutes? Really?"

I grin, proudly. Well, yes. I've never been more proud to be wrong in all my life. So, tonight, when you have that midnight craving, consider it. And tell your husband I said, "You're Welcome."

That's how I roll.