Mom On The Rocks

As a stay-at-home-mom, I find myself on the phone with endless amounts of people as a consumer. So, I just feel the need to break in to their souls. Break up the monotony of their day. Make them laugh. It's tough, because they are trained to not laugh. But, I push the envelope...and buttons...until they do it.

When I ordered my computer a few months ago, I had the guy on the phone, in his cubicle shouting as loud as he could, Pi-Yow! It's a long story that involved what we discovered, a co-worker was a former college teammate of mine. But he did it. And he liked it, I'm SURE. Whatever, he got the sale, and I got him to do it. So it was win-win.

Tomorrow, I'm scheduled to go in for an Endoscopy for the snake swallowing the cd thing. Although, it's just a regular procedure. I'm excited because I get the good drugs and the day off. Some people go to spas, I like to go for "get work done" that involve good drugs.

So, yesterday, the lady calls me to verify my health history and remind me fast.
Ofcourse it involves extensive questions.
Her: Do you have a history of cancer in your family?
Me: Do you want to go refresh your coffee before I answer that question...it's a bit of a long list.

Her: Do you have a history of heart disease in your family?
Me: Is that coffee still hot from the last question, because that is yet another list. I am doomed. Hereditarily speaking my parents and geneaology have left me the following:
Cancer
Cellulite
Heart Disease
Alcoholism and easy access to 12-Step programs
And a fabulous personality and need to express it...loudly.

Her: Okay, well, that's an interesting track record. Hmm. Okay, well, when was your last period?
Me: (This is too fun and easy to jack with these people) Well, per our previous review of my past surgeries, I have no clue, but I'm guessing from my monthly zit on my face, maybe last week...

Her: Okay, you need to not have anything to eat 24-hours in advance. Clear liquids only. Nothing purple, blue, or red.
Me: I can't eat for a whole day? Really? That's awful. I don't think I can do that.
Her: What kind of medication did they send you to take prior to the surgery?
Me: I get meds at home! SWEET!

Her: Well, you should already have the medication with you and ready to go. Are you sure you don't have any prescriptions from your doctor to fill?
Me: No. And I'm still upset about the fasting thing. Is there any way I can get around that?

Her: Oh. Oh Goodnes. I'm sorry, I've been calling people scheduled for colonoscopies all morning. I was prepping you for a COLONOSCOPY!
Me: Yeah, make sure the Doctor is WELL AWARE of where he is supposed to be scoping tomorrow. And that the drugs are really good either way. And do I still have to fast 24 hours then?

Her: No, just nothing after midnight prior to the surgery.
Me: So, you're saying no Girl Scout Thin Mint binges after Midnight?

Her: Just make sure you get them down before Midnight.
Me: I'll do it! Thanks!

And then she hung up laughing. That's how I like to leave people. It's a gift.

Thanks for the relief that I don't have to hunger strike nor poop all night. Whew! So your prayers for the doctor to do the right scope in the right, uh, crevice, would be appreciated.

That's How I Roll.