It’s been a year, folks. I think we can safely say, the experiment is over. And as hard as I fought to have the cable turned off, I’ve had to fight hard to get it back on.
It’s not that I really needed to watch some shows. It’s that I can’t stand the PBS kids’ show re_runs. As mentioned before, I’d like to kick Caillou’s ass. Well, his enabling parents’ ass anyway. We are limited to the Teletubbies, Elmo_woops, I mean Sesame Street, and Arthur re_runs. I love Arthur. That’s a good show. But the kids seemed to be growing out of the shows. And the Sit And Be Fit wasn’t really working for them either. I’ve never understood why that show hasn’t won an emmy.
I realize that my kids do not HAVE to watch any television. They don’t. And, I try hard to not let the tv babysit them. Although, I’ve done it. And I’m sure I’ll do it again.
What sparked the re_negotiation of cable back to the house was when I was watching tennis, and couldn’t find the ball from the fuzzy snow on the screen. And then the kids’ shows started to bug me. I need to send PBS a check, really. So that they can afford to throw together a few more episodes of Clifford. Currently, they are recycling 3 episodes. Just three. Stupid red dog.
So, I called back, and asked for cable back. Once the guy pulled up my account, he snickered, I think. I told him to write in my file that I’m 6’3″ and very mean. He stopped and turned on my cable. I still don’t think Ricardo is all for it. But I haven’t checked because I’ve been watching HGTV, The Food Network, TLC and Comedy Central. Oh what joy! I might get banned from HGTV because I’ve come up with a plan to knock all the brick out of a fireplace and revamp it with bookshelves and a plasma tv.
Later the same day that I came up with THAT plan, I was sitting on the couch with Ricardo and actually said, “I wonder what it would take to knock a hole in that wall?”
Ricardo: “Whatchoo talkin about, Leslie?”
“Well, I think we should put a window there. It’s so dark in here. I think the lines would be cleaner and the light would reflect happiness and zen if there was a window right there.”
Ricardo just got up and found something to make himself busy.
Still, I’m happy to have cable back on. And even if Ricardo isn’t completely sold on it, we still have fun catching up on some cable shows we haven’t seen in a while: Daily Show, Colbert Report, Miami Ink, and American Choppers.
Here’s a good drinking game for ya….(please make sure you’re in the comfort of your own home, and do not drive anywhere because you’ll get drunk, I’m sure of it) Watch an episode of American Choppers with a bottle of tequila. Don’t do this alone either…that’s not a good sign. Drink a shot every time anyone on the show says, “Too be honest witcha…”
That’s how I roll.

Ice Cream _ It really can fix just about anything.
I apologize to my mass audience for my lack of posting. How irresponsible of me. As mentioned before, it’s summertime. And the kids and I are stuck together 24/7, woops, I mean, enjoying our time together this summer before they start school and start making friends with kids I don’t like….or their moms. So, we’ve been crazy busy.
Most recently, we got the stomach bug. First Lucy. Then Max….while camping. That was unfun. Then the bug bit me. Whew. I forgot how gross throwing up was when you’re sober. Man, that’s rough stuff. Then, I didn’t want Ricardo to feel left out, so he jumped on the bandwagon as well. If I wasn’t helping someone, I was keeping the kids out of the house, and if I wasn’t doing either of that, I was laying in my own filth in the fetal position pondering on why the Take Home Chef finds only attractive women at the grocery store. They’re usually pretty cute women, and they are married, so they can go home and cook for hubby. There’s no children involved EVER, and the hot wife is just there…in the middle of the day, perusing the organic produce section…always. Hmmm…it’s as if it is FIXXED! NO!? Really!?
I have to give a great big shout out to my online girlfriend, Julz(HOLLA!) who came in at some point, and snagged my kids when I got sick. I hope that was her who took them. I was pretty out of it. God Bless good girlfriends. Julz(HOLLA!) is so special, I think she needs her own talk show. Really. She is the best. If everyone had a Julz(HOLLA!) in their life, there would be no more depression, no more alcoholism, cancer would be cured. Seriously, she really saved my ass. I thought I’d be okay with the kids that day. I sent Ricardo to work. I mustered up enough to email her and tell her I couldn’t work out due to barfing. THAT wouldn’t be any fun. The next thing I know, she’s riding in on her chariot, or a Honda Odyssey, whatever, and taking my kids off my hands so I can throw up in peace. Great…who’s going to hold my hair back now!? Heh heh…
We’re all back to health now and I have a ton to report. I was going to start today, but I was having so much fun with the kids in the yard. Then the neighbor kid a few doors down spotted us. You guys know this kid: the one you don’t like, and you don’t like your kids to play with? Uh_huh. Well, he showed up. The funny thing about 4 year_olds, is they get excited to see a kid they know, close to their age. It doesn’t matter that every playtime with this kid results in both of my kids coming home because it’s no fun, and they are hurt somehow. They simply don’t remember at that initial moment of sighting that they, indeed, don’t like this kid. And by the way, neither does Mommy…nor Daddy. Sigh. So, we did what every responsible adult does with their kids when mayhem ensues. We told the kid we had to go, piled the kids in the car, loaded them up with ice cream, and then drove around town looking for new houses, far from the kid, and far, far out of our price range.
You know, it would make sense to use that kid as a learning tool for what not to do, be, or act like. To teach my kids how to make a difference. To be influential on that kid, influencing GOOD and KIND play. To not run from your problems, but address them. But that’s what I’ve been paying my tax dollars for _ for school to teach them that stuff. And it sure was fun to look at new houses. And even more tasty eating the ice cream!
That’s how I roll.

Okay, I’m watching the Today Show. And they have this lady on there. I’m not judging her personal appearance, I’m judging her ridiculous plug for her stupid book. She was on a few months ago, plugging just the book. Today, she’s on debating the “Mommy Wars”. In case you haven’t heard, there’s a huge debate (created by the media and working people), that pits Working Moms agains Stay_At_Home Moms. This lady is, to say the least, overweight, and I think that she should do further research and she’ll find that healthier women are happier and sell books, and are usually better employees. Also, if she really wants what is best for her and her kids, she should focus on her health and not my finances…But that’s just me. Because when you see her when you’re wogging by the television in between changing the laundry and getting breakfast on the table, you just think, “Man, is she on a health make over segment?” And then she starts talking and totally discredits herself.
The irony of the whole segment is that the majority of women watching are stay at home moms because working moms are uh….working. Doi. So, here we are, your viewing population, and you’re continuosly slapping us around with how stupid we are for staying home.
I do have the best of both worlds. I work part_time, and stay home with my kids. I’m sure I piss off my working mom friends when I explain that by noon, I’ve worked out, gotten a good steam in the steam room, and have lunch brought to me and the kids poolside on occasion, and usually spend the afternoon laying on a pool lounging chair while the kids play nearby in the pool. I can see where that might tick off a few hard working moms. Because working moms deal with just about everything a stay at home mom deals with, on top of an 8 hour day with 40_year_old temper tantrums and then goes home to the the kids.
It’s very important to mention here that I am pro_whatever you want to do. I am not some freaky_deaky liberal who thinks we should just go with whatever we feel. Some moms are better moms for working, and some moms are better moms for staying at home. AND, some Dad’s are better for staying home and some dad’s are better for working. See? I’m not even sexist (today, I’m not atleast). It’s a freakish algaebraic equation really of what works best for the mental/physical health of the potential stay_at_homer, the kids, the marital relationship, and the finances. I’ve mentioned more than once that on a bad day, Ricardo has come home and found me looking for a full_time job, because it’s not always a day by the pool with these kids.
The chick’s argument (I’ve tried to find her name, but can’t…maybe tomorrow) is the what if’s. I think if she’d written the book of what to do to protect yourself as a stay at home mom, she’d be better received. She has some good points: When you stay home, you don’t get, Retirement & Health Insurance. My argument to that would be that most of us SAHMs were working prior to getting knocked up, and stupid air_heads (apparently those hormones and choices to stay home make us stupid ditzzies), we have IRA’s, 401K’s, and I’ll go with you on this one that the social security probably isn’t that reliable, but we have it. And we kept it. I don’t know any SAHMs who decided to cash that in for a bonus on accepting the job as SAHM.
Her main argument is “What if your husband(your financial supporter) turns out to be a douche_bag and bails?” My counter to that would be: What if your boss turns out to be a douche bag and bails, the company goes under? Hmmm….can you say Enron? What if the building your in gets a plane right through it? No one thought that would happen either.
My main complaint with this particular lady is that she assumes all SAHM’s are solely basing our decision to be SAHM’s on emotions and the need to be loved and all that crap. And that we’ve made no thought to our future or our financial stability, or the what ifs.
What if your ‘financial supporter’ gets sick and/or dies?
My personal favorite is this lady’s claim that should something happen (douche bagness, death, illness, disability) that a SAHM would be rejected to enter the workforce because we now have no qualifications. What? Wiping butts for 4 years isn’t a good qualification for the workforce? REALLY!?
Her argument is that once the kids are gone to college, employers don’t want old washed up moms. Really? Is that because they aren’t reliable, responsible, and on_time? Dependable that they’re set and won’t bail on a better waiting job at Chili’s? Really?
My tort: I do not know one ioda of a mom or a dad (there’s some really awesome stay at home dads out there) who just woke up one day and said, “Hark, I’ll just stay home with the kids” on a total whim. It’s a plan, probably tested and executed much more than switching jobs or a career plan. Most of the moms I roll with have a college education if not a Master’s degree. And most moms have a back up plan if they should need to get back to working. I choose to work part_time. And if I need to, I can go full_time. Both places I work, are wonderful and flexible. And should I need to, I can pick up more hours. I have planned & worked very hard to have options. And for the lady to tell me that I’m hurting myself, and ultimately my kids because “What if”, well, she’s off_base, of which has no basis for publishing.
Not all moms/dads should work full time, and I don’t think all moms/dads should stay home. I’ve been to the park, watched a few moms, and thought, “That lady needs a job…or a therapist.” But it’s just a thought and not an entire exploiting book, while this woman gets air time to voice her stupid opinion. Matt Lauer, you goof, next time you have this debate, could you please allow a SAHM in this debate? Makes sense to me.
That’s how I roll.

I’m pretty sure this guy invented this pose after night out with the guys and the old adage: “If I could lick my own balls, I’d never leave the house.” So be it…you’re almost there champ.
Nothing says “Lard Ass” quite like yoga. There’s mirrors, and I’m told to relax, but I see myself chafing as I contort. It’s a bit awkward. I was on a yoga sabbatical for a while, but have returned. And my re_entry into zen and breathing is anything but graceful, relaxing or flowy.
I look nothing like the zen master when she does the poses.

What’s the big deal with downward dog? Like it’s the center of yoga or something? My ass is high in the sky, should I get a glance in the mirror it looks as though God took my top half and possibly mis_assembled with my bottom half. My favorite is when zen master tells me, “Deep cleansing breaths, as though you’re light and pulling up with your body, rather than pushing down. Relax those shoulders.”
My inner self: “Did she just say effn relax my shoulders? And focus my breath where the strain is? Did she just say that? Tell her to come over here and say that…”
I was shocked and horrified that my body, which I was under the sneaking suspiscion was looking better, actually looks worse. In yoga, it turns out, you can find fat pockets you never bothered to look at before. Thank you zen master for pointing that one out to me.

This is Warrior 2. I don’t look quite this graceful.
For all my yoga peeps out there, I’m rocking out some Warrior 2, and I see two butts. Both butts are mine. Where did I get double_butt on top of my pear_shaped butt I’d learned to accept? And can I breathe that out? Breathe it away. Just breathe my ass away. That’s what yoga should really do.

I don’t look like this either in this pose. Even this easy pose. I look like a lazy loaf and my butt just floweth over. It’s weird. That’s why they have you put your head down…so you can’t see what’s really going on with your badonka_donk.
On occasion, we move to child’s pose. That’s what I’m talkin about. Ahhhh, there’s my zen…right there! Yay me! Yay yoga! We are told, while in this position that this is where we go if we need a rest or a break and that no one is competing against anyone else. But then, no one goes back to childs pose. I know, because I’m watching them all and comparing myself to each of them. And dammit, no one goes to childs pose for a break, and therefore, it cannot be me who goes down first. Dammit. Someone break the seal already!
It’s inevitable that zen master asks if there’s anything we’d like to work on. And like a song with familiar lyrics, I raise my fat arm (noted when we do Warrior 2 _ “Gazing down the barrel of your flabby gramma’s arm….woops, I mean, gazing down the barrell of your left arm.”) I raise my arm and suggest an hour of continual flow from corpse pose to child’s pose. Only to be laughed at. What? We can’t do that?

So, I’ll continue to go to yoga and get my zen on. But for now, there’s no zen, no flow, and yet, something happened, because I’m sore. Well, fat doesn’t get sore right? So, I must be all muscle.
That’s how my rolls roll.

Since, by virtue of girlfriends law, I cannot divulge all details with you about our trip. But Julz(Holla!) definitely got all caught up and a big ol earful of the college daze with me. That’s for sure.
First, and foremost, let me tell y’all thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers for Flygirl. She’s been doing very well. Through all of the chemo and radiation, she’s been suffering some severe nausea and dizzy spells. Doctors have suggested steroids to help, but Flygirl didn’t want them because she didn’t want to bulk up. Roids do weird things, and I can understand that she didn’t want anymore weirdness with the chemo, radiation, the brain tumor, and the balding and all. But, about a week before the trip, Flygirl dialed up herself some roids. Go girl. God bless this woman, because she can eat now.
Julz(Holla!), upon the very first meeting of Yallison and Flygirl was in awe. Flygirl was rocking out some nachos and asked, “What’s for breakfast tomorrow, y’all want IHOP or Cracker Barrel?” Of which Julz(Holla!) proclaimed her undying love to Flygirl based only on the fact that she too likes to plan the next meal while eating. I’m pretty sure I saw Julz(Holla!) tear up in joy that she’d found her soulmates. Me too, girls. Me too.
FlyGirl had to eat about every 2 hours, of which, we all rallied, supported her, and happily ate with her. I think if you’re not on steroids, it’s called binging…whatever, we were there to help. And we did.
When asked what we did on our trip, I’m kind of at a loss for words. A lot happened. Some things are sacred. And others, well, you just had to be there. So, my new official answer is: A lot of nothing. It was perfect. These girls I can just sit with. We ate a lot, we each cooked without kids screaming at us, we talked about our feelings, ate some more, then went to sonic, we sat by the pool, we drank, ate some more, more talk about our feelings….Well, here, you see for yourself:

When I was a kid, I didn’t get many birthday parties…I think my girls have compensated, everytime we’re together, I get surprised with something like this. Maybe it’s because I plan the trips…always around my birthday…hmmm…suckas!

Only people who leave Texas and then come back will find this picture_worthy. It was a beautiful familiarity for me to see. This is at the ranch we stayed at. Roddy Tree Ranch…check it out. plug, plug, plug. Yeah, drop my name when you make your reservations.

Fine, we did something tourista_ we observed nature. The hill country is absolutely beautiful. The drive was long, and hilly, and perfect, but then, I couldn’t take pictures while driving! So, these guys were at our door each morning. You’re just going to have to trust me, there’s no zoom on the lens. They are about 20 feet from our patio. And they looked up when we came out the door, then just resumed eating as if to say, “Oh, look, crazy ladies. Welcome to the Ranch”

It was fun to see Julz(Holla!) acclamate to the Texas ways. We’re not there for 2 hours and she’s barefoot, with the hat on, and a beer in hand. “Welcome to Texas, you pass, here’s your membership card. Drive thru.”

Julz(Holla!) fit in, definitely. But she’s about to learn a very good lesson: MyDaph is sneaky. This is just before MyDaph dumps Julz(Holla!). It was just too easy. She never saw it comin….Welcome to my people, Julz.

So, see, we did do something…we went jewelry shopping. James Avery, the mecca, the homeland, the actual headquarters, was just down the street. So, we went out and checked it out. We all agreed on a ring, each got one. We wear it on our middle finger, so that when one of us has to flip someone off, it is now sign, sealed and delivered, with love, from all five of us. I haven’t had to flip any one off yet, but I’m REALLY looking forward to it. We each got the same ring, and had a commitment ceremony. This is our reception afterwards…

You can actually take a tour of the place, and see the immigrants working diligently for $2.10 an hour on Mr. Avery’s designs…We’re watching the video here. To the left, is a window where you can watch the immigrants. To the right are some showcases. One of which was a thank you note from Rick Husband’s wife, as he’d taken a few charms with him to remember his family. The note was written the day after the shuttle exploded, or crashed…it was very touching.

We did a lot of this.

And this.

Just to be near these girls is an honor. To call them my friends is a gift. And to have them all together with me, is sacred.
That’s how I roll.