Is that frosting on your face, ma'am, or are you just happy to see me?
So, the other night, I'm laying here on the couch, minding my own damned business when thoughts of sugarplums start dancing in my head. Dangit. I was supposed to be good this week. Because Lori said the scale wouldn't go down unless I changed my diet. I can only assume she would be referring to the late night sweet tooth of which my dentist has addressed much to my shagrin, as well. Darn you sugarplum fairies.
I do what every other person on a diet does. I start making inventory of what I have in the pantry. Most people on a diet, at this point, have eliminated crap food from their pantry though. Inventory: Marshmallows, mandarin oranges, chocolate syrup, peanut butter, a can of icing, shredded coconut...wait. A can of icing, son of a bitch! I go straight to it, pull off the aluminum seal and grab a spoon all in one very graceful and speedy swoop.
But, it's vanilla, not vanilla cream, or whipped or anything like that. It's not doing it for me. And you people with will power and discipline thought us dimpled-thighs wouldn't be so picky. Pishaw! So, while I'm continuing to eat it, I choose to make things better.Ante up. Perhaps, I could make this can of icing HEALTHIER even. I get up. See, aerobics too. Take the can of frosting and dump it into my mixer bowl. I whip out the peanut butter. That's protein, right? Kablammo! A cup of peanut butter. Did I just invent peanut butter icing! Nah, let's add some antioxidants....that's in chocolate right? Peanut butter chocolate icing.
The conundrum was, with such beauty and art in this delightfulness, I couldn't just use a spoon to shove it in my mouth. No, that won't do this new INVENTION justice. I searched in a panic. Nothing. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I resolve to just use my finger, and then the banana catches my eye. That's it folks, I just added protein, antioxidants and finished off my daily intake of fruits all with a can of frosting. Oh Happy Day!
Fast forward to this evening, again, I'm laying on the couch, and I remember that I rolled by the dessert aisle and grabbed some brownie mix to use as an excuse, woops, I mean vehicle for the newly invented frosting. Is it me, or am I the only one who buys brownie mix to go with a kick ass peanut butter chocolate frosting I totally made up on my own. Is that just me?
That's how I roll.
A little Seabreeze will clear that girl's problem right up.
Girl, you have lost your damn mind! I love it!
Of course, as I write this to you, I am shoveling chocolate cake down my gullet.
One thing I just thought I'd mention, did you know that you actually burn calories as you sleep? Yes, t'is true...so all ya really need to do is get a whole lotta sleep...You can dream your way to a slim svelte you in no time...Think about it, have you ever seen a fat person in a coma? Well there you go...
Fire that bitch trainer and start lookin around the house for coma-inducing chemicals. Yes you will more than likely miss out on milestones in your kids' lives such as soccer games, school plays, and catching them the first time they try to sneak out of the house, but you'll be thin and you're a shoe-in for the coolest mom in the neighborhood!