I'm here, I'm pear-shaped, and I'm stayin!

Again, I purposely waited extra long to post again so that everyone could read about my man. Oh, you haven't had a chance? Well go here. Or here. Or try here. It's worth a read. I'll wait. Go ahead...

Last week, I knew I was doomed when I saw our bad ass trainer, Lori, with another client. And she was making the poor woman do some freaky lunges with a medicine ball! Being the moron I am, without consideration of the fact that she could totally recant by default of our up and coming workout, I opted to do what I always do and open my smart ass mouth with something like:

"Wow, she's tough on you!" to her client.

To which Lori chimed in, without ever taking her eyes off her client, very slowly, and very Mob Boss-like said, "Just wait until Tuesday."

There were two things that bothered me about this. First, she'd been strategically planning what she was going to do to me. And second, she knew the day of which the ass whipping would commence off the top of her head. I was concerned. As I should have been.

Tuesday came and went. And Lori has once again, challenged our strength, our cardio, and our coordination. The latter of which, I have none.

One of the things that I like about Lori, is that she's real. She's down to earth. She knows that my need for delicious food all the time and my refusal to diet is not a problem...to me. Because, while we were circuit training, I had a moment with her.

"You're looking good, Les."

"Thanks. I've lost some weight up top, but it makes my pear shape just look like a bigger bottomed pear."

"No, you've lost some inches in your hips too. I can tell."

"What's odd to me is that the weight is just shifting. I haven't lost or gained one pound."

"Um, yeah, well, the scale's not going down unless you change your diet."

What I wanted to say was, "You mean that half a can of icing I ate last night after dinner?" But instead I said, "I'm not willing to do that, Lori."

"Then consider yourself on a maintenance program instead of a weight loss program."

I just like that she told it to me. No frills, no pushing. Go girl!

Even better was when we were in the midst of the same workout, and doing dumbbell bench press. It's good to mention here that I've lost a lot of inches where my boobs are supposed to be. I have a sweet gaping B-cup bra right now. It's supposed to take what little I have and push it up. Nice and perky. But, basically, what the silicone bra is doing for me now is simply acting as a prosthetic for what's not there anymore. Seriously. Strangely enough, I'm okay with that.

Okay, so, Lori is checking my form on the dumbbell bench press gig, and I'm not doing it right. She keeps saying, "You want to come down right at your chest." But since I don't HAVE A CHEST, I couldn't gauge where to hit. After about the third remark, she finally gave up and said, "Well, just right where your bra line is."

Julz(holla!) busts out laughing. (Shut up, your boobs are smaller too.) She's laughing and says, "Where your boobs are SUPPOSED TO BE." Oh, good times. Then we got in trouble for laughing and cutting up during our workout and she made us run laps. So Lori, thanks for the workouts. We love them. And thanks for keepin it real, yo. But mostly, thanks for putting up with us. We hope you continue to do so.

That's how I roll.