Mom On The Rocks

Some time ago, Julz(holla!) suggested that she'd like to have a body composition done for her birthday. Why? Who wants to know THAT? And that's like actually looking at the nutritional chart at a restaurant. You don't REALLY want to know the exuberant amount of calories you're eating? It makes the food taste bad.

But it WAS her birthday, and so I thought I'd do it with her and get my composition done too. My thinking was, she's done so good, and I haven't. So, it would dually make her feel great. And my predictions were correct. Since I'd done my original body composition, I've gained 2 pounds.

Quite frankly, I have no shame, nor pride. I LOVE food. And it'd be nice to lose my baby weight, seeing as how my kids are 4 now. I've tried diets. The harder I try, the more I binge. I have issues, I know. However, I simply love food. I love to cook food, and I really love to eat food. I get heartburn just thinking about how I'm going to jack up a good dish.

But like Shakira said, "These hips don't lie." I'm fairly sure, Shakira had a different take on it. But my evergrowing hips don't lie, and I got a sweet slap in the face with the 2 pound gain after working out at our gym for a little more than a year. So, I suggested Julz(holla!) and I get a trainer. I've considered getting a trainer before. But never done it. This may have to do with the fact that I know what I need to do, I simply don't do it. But when you have accountability ($50-$100 per session) you tend to stick to it. Our plan is to schedule a training session every two weeks. Work out our awesome bods and then get a new workout from our trainer each session. Sounds good, in theory.

While we were doing our assessment and body composition, she made us do push ups. I suggest that I hate push ups and also refuse to do lunges. There's a deafening silence as if to suggest that this may, in fact, be the reasoning for my saggy ass and thunder thighs....

Julz(holla!) mentions too, "I don't DO push-ups."

I think we picked a good trainer. She is our yoga zen master. Actually, there's other yoga instructors, but I like Lori the best. I haven't been able to get to her class lately, I wish I could. We picked Lori because we like her. She's real. She's not some crazy freakshow trainer with a shit-eating grin on her face asking, "Don't you just feel great when you wake up at 5a.m. to give it your all and and jumpstart your body!?" Those people bug me and are overwhelmingly available. But Lori, she's real. And she's a good example. She's got a young child and yet, still has a nice rack and a rock hard body. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it, I hate her. Again, my kids are 4 and I'm still working off the baby weight, so you know...

Our first training session, and that vixen trainer does our first circuit with PUSH UPS and LUNGES and then, tells us to go run a lap. At this point, I'm a little pissed that Lori with her rock hard body, didn't accept a challenge to reshape my body with a little more creativity than stupid lunges and push ups. Something more fun, like, a massage or something. But while I'm stewing over it, I'm running the lap with Julz(holla!) by my side mumbling something like, "Seriously, I don't ever run. Don't do it. This is the worst birthday present EVER!"

In the middle of, just the first circuit of lunges pushups and running, it occurs to me that I could have the Dry Humper. So, it can, indeed be worse. I mention that to Julz(holla!) who agrees. We opt to suck it up and go forth and burn calories.

I weigh myself all the time. And so five days later, I weigh myself on the same scale and it tells me I've lost a little more than 9 pounds. I go up to tell Lori about it. "Did y'all recalibrate the scale or something?" She said no and inquired why to which I explain my weight loss and that it must be that she's the BEST TRAINER EVER!

A few days later, I go in to the gym and go to weigh myself before I work out only to find a sign on the scale "Out of Order". Either I broke the scale, or my rapid weight loss was inevitably miscalculated. Dammit. I go upstairs and tell Lori and she says to me, "Yeah, it didn't look like you lost those '10 pounds'." She used the damned quote fingers and everything. I've got a finger for you, Lori. But I won't show you, because I am afraid of you. Fret not my momontherocks readers. I'll get her back. But it's very touchy because she is in control of the pain my body may or may not experience.

Still, it feels good to work out. And I HAVE lost a few pounds, (quote fingers and all) still while eating my sweets. So far, so good.

That's how I roll.