Dry Humper

Yep. You read it right. I feel it's only fair to warn you that the title of this post can't possibly offend you the way my eyes have been violated at the gym. ">The naked lady stretching in the steam room couldn't possibly compare to what I've witnessed. The bitch who scared my kids has probable cause seeing as she's just a bitter old woman with very bad roots. But this guy. This guy yesterday, at the gym. My eyes burn. They are scarred. I had nightmares lastnight.

There's a trainer at our gym. I don't know his name, so I refer to him as the LoudTalker. He's in his forties I'm guessing, and built well because he's a trainer! When I ask about him to the other trainers, they know exactly who I'm talking about and usually suggest so with, "Oh, him. Yeah, I know who you're talking about."

By calling him LoudTalker I'm fully well aware that coming from me, it could be conceived as calling the kettle black or whatever. But that's what I'm sayin, for me to call someone a loud talker is the perfect description because he's louder than me, and all the time. I can tone it down. I just usually choose not to. This guy has one volume, all day.

LoudTalker has violated my opticals before. But yesterday, it just wouldn't stop. I needed a witness, and my girl, Julz, was there with me, sweatin on some kind of crazy contraption that involves suspension and stair stepping. It's a new cardio machine we've discovered. And we love it. But now, given the location of these fabulous machines, there's a payoff: Burn fat, shirnk thighs and be blinded by dry humping. I've been in gyms for about 20 years now and I've seen a lot of trainers. I've seen a lot of gym stuff in my day, never like this. And poor Julz, I had to have a witness.

Right in front of us, LoudTalker has a lady client and is stretching her. He's got dorky baggy shorts on. And he's got the lady client on her back one leg in the air to stretch her ham string. This is how it's supposed to look:

And that's what he does with his man clients. But yesterday, with his lady client, he MOUNTS HER. I'm not even joking, kids. Some of you have conceived your children in this position, so you know what I'm talking about. But let me try to explain. He gets her leg up, straddles her, and is ON TOP OF HER. I'm talking this whole thing over with Julz, right in front of her, and finally, I say,
"His WEINER IS TOUCHING HER YA-YA!" I wanted to go ask if he was wearing a condom.

To make it worse, he must have stretched her for about ten minutes like that. It was awful. Don't get me wrong, we had a good laugh at it. But since, I just feel bad for the lady. Not only had I been violated, but she had as well. She looked a little confused by the whole incident when he finally let her stand up.

And folks, I'm not just jealous. Trust me. This guy is getting his jollies off of uninformed ladies. It's nasty. Besides, I can ask Ricardo to "give me a ham string stretch" anytime, and I'm sure he'd oblige...behind CLOSED DOORS!

Maybe I'll get Ricardo some sessions with him and see if Ricardo can ask him to stretch him like that. Julz and I are tempted to get a session with LoudTalkerDryHumper and as soon as he starts to mount us, knee him in the nuts. It'd be worth every penny, I think.

I'll be filing a formal written complaint to the gym on this. It'll probably be filed with the one about the woman who yelled at my son. Considering I never got a response, I'm guessing my "file" is in the trash. I'll be forced to get a tshirt made that says, "Read about the DRY HUMPER at momontherocks.com." Not a bad idea.

That's how I roll.