I eat, therefore I run.

I've got some new routine on the treadmill. At this point in my life, I'm just going with it, because I like it. I've been known to put on a few pounds simply because I don't wanna. I don't wanna go do that lame ass workout. And I get FITNESS magazine. They give you all kinds of new tips on how to firm up an already fit body. But really, do you really want to see some fatty at the gym trying some one-legged squat and then pop-up push-ups? 12-15 reps. You're welcome. Really, I'm sparing you. Us "big-boned" people simply don't want to draw anymore attention to ourselves in our already freaky deaky looking FatGuyInALittleCoat workout clothes. You know what I'm talking about too. Yes you do. Tank top and bike shorts? C'mon. Uggh.

I'm quite the sight too. I have preferences. I don't want sleeves. Don't want my legs to show. Don't want my hair to bounce or touch my skin. My socks have to be just so that the seam doesn't rub on my pinky toe. So, there it is, pasty white 6'3" chick with WIDE LOAD BIRTHIN HIPS sporting horns on top of head so that hair does not bounce, nor stick to skin at nape of neck. Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, wearing a tank top and capris or yoga pants. Why do they call them yoga pants anyways? I wear them all over the place. My favorite pair, I got on sale. I now know why. The right leg is three inches longer than the left leg. So, one leg is full length, one leg is a long capri. And I care not. Clearly, the odd pant legs is the least of my visual worries. Yes? I'm quite the sight.

I've mentioned this before, I'm sure, but if people had a clue what this freaky looking, big-boned, horned-hair stay-at-home mom was listening to. Oh Lawdy. I like motivating music. But I like ironic tunes as well. So, I'm guessing, who knows, that I'm the only 30 something mom there rocking out to some gangsta rap. I'm just guessing. Lately, my favorites have been stuff that I think I should be the female version of Weird Al Yankovich. Like, Sexyback. Justin Timberlake should have called me. I can see a video of sheer mockery of me singing it on the treadmill, maybe even a little treadmill jig. I'm working on it.

There's a song by the Pussycat Dolls I like, too. Now, visualize a big fatty singing this to you:
I'm tellin' you to loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)

Typical and hardly
The type i fall for
I like when the physical
Don't leave me askin' for more
I'm a sexy mama (Mama)
Who knows just how to get what I wanna (Wanna)
What I wanna do is bring this on ya (On ya)
Back up all of the things that I told ya (Told ya)

You've been sayin' all the right things all night long
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can't you see?
How these clothes are fittin' on me
And the heat comin' from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know

Here's some more lyrics I rock out to every day on the treadmill. I feel it's worth sharing:
1. Lend me some suga', I am your neighbor ahh here we go!
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shake it, shake it like a Polaroid Picture, shake it, shake it
Shh you got to, shake it, shh shake it, shake it, got to shake it
(Shake it Suga') shake it like a Poloroid Picture

2. Love the way my ass bump bump bump bump bump bump
Keep your eyes on my bump bump bump bump bump
And think you can handle this ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk

3. Yo, if your boss is a S-O-B
Tell him to S-H-O-V-E the J-O-B
Put your middle finger up slowly
Put it close enough to his face so he can examine it closely
Say I ain't workin here no more
Who do you think you are?
Rip your apron off, throw it on the floor
Run to the door, to the payphone
Make a toll-free call
Tell your spouse what happened and where you are
So they can come and get you in the car later on
And help you search for a new 9 to 5 job
If the unemployment line ain't that long
You can take your time printin out W-9 forms
Eventually, you'll get on if you try hard enough
And you'll get money if you keep punchin your time card enough
Maybe you hate it, maybe you love it
But if you hate it all you gotta do is get mad and tell the boss to
[Biz Markie]
Take this job and shove it
I ain't workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain't workin here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain't workin here no more
Take this job, take this job, take this job and shove it

Oh man, I'm laughing as I read it. Hope you enjoy. If you need some references so you can download this stuff, just let me know. I'll be happy to help liberate your workout experience.

Off to the gym.
That's how my rolls roll.