I really think the phrase "plumber butt" gives plumbers a bad name. I mean really. I think they should call it "weird guy at the parade butt", or "angry guy in the tball stands butt". But really, "plumber butt"? Maybe plumbers union should address this.
We went to library storytime last week. I managed to actually get jeans on that weren't wrinkled from being wadded up in a basket after being washed and dried, I even got make up on and was looking like a fairly somewhat together mom. I took the kids and we went. They love story time. Some size 2 chick sat in front of me. I'm always admiring how cute and casually fashionable other moms are. Not so much for me. I just feel like I dress frumpy. But size 2 mom had these jeans on that were so cute. You know, those low riders. Clearly, she only has kids one at a time. The law of Nebraska prohibits women like me to wear low riders because of my very unique belly hang. It must be confined, never to hang over the jeans crease...ever.
I wear a 12. Fine, that's my skinny jean. It used to be a 10. But that was pre-kid. When I can squeeze into a 12, lay on the couch and zip em up, life is good. So, I wear a 12 or 14 jean, depending on if I'm in the mood to breathe or not. So, when I see the size 2s, I hate the tramp just for a moment, and then admire how cute her jeans are and think, "there's a jean I'll never wear." Personally, I hate this woman. And then, it happens. Size 2 sits down on the floor with her son and like a deer in the headlights her butt crack is there staring at me.
Before I go any further, let me remind you, that my kids are perfect little story time participators. So, I've got nothing to do but stare. And don't get all high and mighty on me, she's sitting right in front of me, and her butt crack is practically calling out to me, "Can you please tell my owner to help out here, there's a draft."
Now, in case you don't have a real good visual. Butt crack, even on a size 2, ain't perty. It's disgusting. But to add burn to my eyes, she's apparently wearing low rider or hip hugger thongs to go with the jeans. This confirms that I'm better than her because from top down of the horrendous visual, you've got boney spine, then butt crack, THEN thong, then more crack, THEN the jeans. Ewwww.
And, my kids were little angels at story time, her kid was okay, but not as good as mine. Jr. was running around while MY SWEET KIDS were sitting "criss cross applesauce the whole time". So, there it is, I'm a better mom because I may be bigger, but I confine my butt crack, and deny the plumber's crack. And my kids are awesome. I might have nasty jeans on, but they allow me to tend to my kids without scalding other peoples eyes. It's my own little contribution to society.That's all I'm sayin.
I feel better about me anyways.
That's How I Roll.
I am still laughing as I write this. Good stuff you wrote! I had a bad experience last week at a story hour because my jeans were pulled low and my shirt too high in the back. I know that I exposed the rear of the room to my stretched out big white Hanes Her Ways. At least there was no crack. Baby was on my lap (maybe both of them) and to really readjust and do it well you need to stand up again and tug and pull. And due to clothing sizes I am not sure it would have made a difference. So I apologize for that.
However, if I see one more triangle of silky underwear perched on top of someones rear jean waist I may just reach over and snap it. Doesn't the breeze blow down that crack and give a girl a clue?
I have to address the mention of todays casual "fashions". I recently went shopping, in the Misses dept. of Foley's, and had in mind 3 pairs of capris. I wanted these capris to come UP TO my waist, and not DOWN TO my ass. I had no cute tattoo to show off, but mostly, I was trying to spare the public any chance view of butt clevage. Anyway....there just weren't any that came up to my waist. There was another woman of my advancing years seeking the same. We both were very discouraged, so I just said, "Well, I'm just going to lay my stretch marks over the top of these." "I'll take three pairs", I said to the clerk, who was doubled over laughing at us. I just told her to bag 'em up, and we'll see who laughs at THIS!