Posting my resume

I'm not looking for a new job. But have updated my resume. You can never be too safe, right? I could get fired from this Mom gig, you never know. As I was editing and fluffing, I thought wouldn't it be fun to write up your dream resume? To just cut through all the crap and show my true colors? A risk, I know. Never the less, I'll humor myself and post my dream resume, right here. If you're looking for an employee, and this resume fits what you're looking for, please, I beg of you, contact me immediately!

Mom On The Rocks
Omaha, NE, USA (Middle of the Nation, Cornville, Football Freak Capitol of WORLD, but we're all good drivers)
Phone: 1-866-HIREMEE

Educational Background
Bachelors degree, GO BUFFS. I did it in 4 1/2 years, and discovered there really is no Underwater basket weaving class, however, pioneered a champion underwater basket weaving team and competition. We're still the best in the nation to date.

Master of Arts, Communication soon following the underwater basketweaving success. My Masters allows me to tell people I am the Master Of Talking. I'm really good at it.

Career Goal: To work in a fun environment, have my own office, no cubicle please, where I can laugh a lot, make a difference and use my skillz. One of my favorite skillz is talking about my feelings. Or if you'd like to talk about your feelings, that's fine, I'll tell you how I feel about your feelings. Also, I'd like my own tv show, if you could work that out, that would be great.

Career History
Non Profit Org, TX
Marketing
Job description: Basically, what I got out of this is that most men in high positions are there because they were promoted as a pat on the back. These men shoot the shit with other men well and are usually afraid of other educated people in general, but really freaked out by educated women. Throw in an educated woman with ideas of her own who is bigger than said men, and you've got yourself the typical littleman syndrome. And there were several physically little men there. All ideas or plans are usually snuffed by little men. I'm not really a man hater. I suppose had I been a hottie who was willing to flirt for a promotion, I'd have excelled here.

Succeeded in discovering time management is a big term for, "Plan your deadlines and cushion them so you can wait on the higher ups who will get to reviewing your ideas when they are done nursing their hangovers."

Other Non Profit, TX
Special Events Coordinator
As a special events coordinator, really, what I did was generate events, tagged them as "special" all in an effort to showcase v.p.'s and sometimes presidents, when they weren't sleeping with their secretaries. Showcased them to donors for the sake of the kids. This is where I started really pumping iron so when the jackass with Sanka breath grabbed my arm, I'd flex, and he'd take his military grip off.

• Created and executed special events in order to increase awareness for the organization as well as inflate the already substantially inflated egos of leaders in the organization.
• Scheduled speaking engagements for executive members to community and civic clubs across the nation.This was fun. I did all the work, rolled out the red carpet, made sure their dentures and toupes were straight and let the assholes shine.
• Wrote news releases - watched the exec who was to approve it tear it up and rewrite it and ruin it, defying all laws of intelligence, journalism, or basic grammar, smile with his Sanka breath and tell me, good job hunny.
• Wrote and designed employee newsletter- this defined my creativity as no one was happy and no one read the newsletter. So I had a ball with this one.
Somewhere in here, it was all for the sake of the kids. And this is where I discovered, man, the glass ceiling is still there, retired military are making millions in the civilian world exploiting positions they have no business being in, and it's so 80's but they really do sleep with their secretaries.

Current Job - Stay at Home Mom
Here I've learned that I have a lot to learn. I'm happy to comply with my subordinates when they throw tantrums because they are 4 years old. This is still unnerving, but tolerated much better when the tantrums or running through my office with poopie butts is from a 4 year old rather than a 40 year old.
Balance time well sometimes.
Play nice with others.
Great at correcting grammar.
Coordinate special events like playdates, craft days, library story time, and my personal favorite, Bartending Day. We teach kids early childhood development skills like Mommy doesn't like her martini on the rocks.
Chauffer with a kickin ride.
Chef
Cleans, sometimes. "Mommy, why are you vaccuuming? Who is coming over today?"
Dog Walker and Poop Scooper Extraordinaire
Toilet Trainer (kids, not the dog, and no adult toilet training please)

References:
Ricardo
Farley the Wonderdog
and
Sanka Breath