I'm sure that there's a better description of the Six Degrees game. I've decided that Dr. Phil and I have too many connections. So, if the Doctor is in, please forward this to him. He needs to know , I am shamefully shocked at, that he's apparently had some influence in my life. So, behold, the Six Degrees of Mom on the Rocks and Dr. Phil.
The 1st Degree of Dr. Phil starts off at his pinnacle moment of a little town called Amarillo. I was there when a self righteous rancher, who rumor has it, makes his REAL living off of suing people, opted to take Oprah herself to court. You guys remember that? Yeah, we're so proud in Amarillo. Ironically, the sales of 72 oz. Steaks remained unshaken, not even Oprah could skew the course of a 6 lb hunk of meat phenomenon. So you know, we're all okay in the beef market. However, Oprah needed counsel on defending her right to free speech. So be it. I was living in Amarillo when Dr. Phil was there counseling The O. We all lived together in Amarillo, Texas.
The 2nd Degree of Dr. Phil is even better, and a bit extensive but work with me. After his birth into the spotlight of fame and his own talk show, it was only fitting that, indeed, he help me out with mine. It turns out, that Dr. Phil hadn't even started his show yet. His show started about two weeks later. But he was on Oprah for the last time and it was a doozie.
Some of you may have heard about my experience with being pregnant. Some of you in New Mexico probably heard my loud laughing. I was the happiest pregnant woman ever. When we found out we were having twins, everyone but my own OBGYN was freaking out, telling me we'd have preemies, and to be prepared to go into pre-term labor. And just like when my mom told me the boys would catch up to my height in middle school, then high school, and then college....yeah, I'm still waiting! So, with twins, they hold a prayer vigil that you make it to 32 weeks. Then they hold their breath until week 34. Then they just hold their horses and pray some more that you make it to 36. 36 weeks for twins, is considered full term. Week 36 came and went. I got to 37 weeks and was so huge, my doctor was BEGGING me to go into labor. She told me it was safe and I could go anytime, no complications. It was at that point, I tried to jog in the park. I looked (and felt) a strong resemblance to Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.
This was me after jogging.
I took 5 steps and Ricardo was yelling, begging me to stop making the earth shake like that. Well, he's too nice to tell me I just threw the earth off axis. This is probably a good time to fess up that I gained almost 100 pounds during my pregnancy so, Fat Bastard is a very accurate description. The difference is, I didn't wear my hair like that. Ricardo's main concern was my artful skill of clumsiness and falling. So, I resorted to walking alot, eating spicy foods, and bouncing on the yoga ball. Preemies? Puhlease people. I WORKED THE DAY I WENT INTO LABOR. I was on half-days due to "swelling", I think it was just the two Icees a day. So, after a large lunch and a smoothie on the way home, I'd go home and bounce on the yoga ball 30 minutes on, 30 minutes off. My plan was to let gravity take effect. I think the combination of Dr. Phil's storyline and the gravity gig finally paid off. My water broke at 4:30p.m. Right in the middle of the show.
The show was about Marriage and Money problems. The story line is in this video link (Click on that and click on watch video) For the technically challenged, let me sum up. This woman quit work to stay home with kids. Wife likes to shop. Husband said she was spending too much so they made a deal. She has sex with him FIVE DAYS A WEEK, and any time after that, he pays her $20 a pop. Now first of all, I'm not sure what the going rate is, but I'm fairly certain that your typical prostitute makes much more than that. Does anyone know what that going rate is, anyway? So, I hear this story, while bouncing, and I look at Farley the Wonder Dog and say, "Can you BELIEVE this?" Farley glances at the television, sighs and walks away as if he clearly can believe it, and I go into labor. It was 17 DAYS past the safe hatching point. I was 100 pounds heavier. And all I can say is God Bless Dr. Phil for sending me into labor through "shock" therapy.
Two hours later, I'm in the waiting room with Ricardo because the nurse at the desk just told me, the one leaking fluid, to go have a seat in the waiting room, we giggled and opted to spare future waiting people who might want a clean seat. we're about to embark on the biggest life changing moment together: labor and delivery. And all I have to say about it is, "Oh my God! You won't believe what I saw on Dr. Phils segment on Oprah today!"
The 3rd degree of Dr. Phil relies heavily on the 2nd degree. I gained 100 pounds, and it turns out, even though they weren't preemies, each twin did NOT in fact weigh 50 pounds. They said it'd melt off, and some of it did. And a year later, some of it did not melt away. About that time into his career, he'd solved all marital problems, including the prostitute bride, I'm sure. And so, he'd moved on to helping us big people out. I didn't buy it at first. He wrote a book, started up a club and joined on with Gold's gym to promote his new campaign. Go boy! While loafing on a treadmill next to a pal of mine, we dared each other to do the Dr. Phil Challenge. Bought the book, did the diet, and lost 40 pounds before we moved. And ladies, you know, that any man who can help you lose 40 pounds is THE MAN! So thank you, Dr. Phil.
While I was accepting his challenge, it had been brough to my attention by other fat people, still in denial, while gnoshing on a deep-fried twinkie, "Yeah, that Dr. Phil should take his own advice. He's NOT thin!" My response in my head was something like, "You should take the sheets off your mirrors for a little reflection time, dear." But I didn't. I was too busy losing weight. However, it is now time to dispell that myth. Take a good look at Dr. Phil, hunny. He's just big boned. The guy is tall, and has a large bald head. Add in that thick Magnum P.I. mustache, and you just have a bold character on television, people. So, back off. He's just big-boned!
The 4th degree is a stretch, but I'm okay with that. His wife is a twin. And, his son married one of those playboy triplets. So, there it is, I have twins and my biggest fear is having triplets. See that big connection!?
The 5th degree of Dr. Phil is that we're both full of great advice. I have a, uh, knack, shall we say, for offering unsolicited advice. It doesn't really matter if I've been there, or can relate or not, I've got the answer, or a suggestion. It turns out, through years of delving out infinite words of wisdom, that in some cases, the receiver of my wealth of knowlege may or may not appreciate the advice. So, I hoarded one of Dr. Phil's many sayings, "How's That Working For Ya?" Dr. Phil, I thank you and many others do too. This can be offensive to some if said in the wrong tone. So, you really have to nail it just perfectly. Dr. Phil has some great Southern Proverbs, but really, this one works. The only difference between Dr. Phil and me is that he's qualified and giving solicited advice. Heh heh.
The 6th degree of Dr. Phil prompted me to write this whole spiel. As you know from a previous enlightening post, I have no cable. The sacrifice was not too bad, my only loss is the Food Network. I had a few shows I loved to watch: Paula Deen, Rachel Ray, Boy Meets Grill, and some others. So, you can imagine my joy when Rachel Ray got a talk show on network television! Woohoo! Last week, she had Dr. Phil on. You have my two favs: talk show meets cooking show and slap on a little Dr. Phil on there. My goodness, it's as if the gods formed a committee to develop a show just for me.
So, there it is, the Six Degrees to my connection to Dr. Phil. I'd love to meet this guy, but it turns out, you've got to have a problem to be on his show. And quite frankly, I'm just that great. But let's do dinner sometime.
That's How I Roll.
