No, it's not my kids birthday, or anyone's birthday that I know of. It's not my anniversary, or anything ridiculous or mushy, or any kind of obligatory celebration today. Today...
...Maybe I should warn the weaker half...men, this post might make you uncomfortable. If you know me, and you're a visual learner, it may taint our relationship. However, I suppose it could help it, who knows. If you're related to me, it has the potential to make you queasy. But if you don't know me, and just are entranced by my writings, by all means, you're about to learn a lot about the ladies...
If you can do it, read on.
When I refer to the ladies, I'm referring to my saggy A's. I've always been small chested....flat as a board. The day I got pregnant, I was so excited that the A's would grow. I suffered a blow when they never grew. Sigh. Then, after I had the chumps, failed miserably at breastfeeding, and drained the udders, I not only still had A's, oh whoopie, they are saggy A's now. Super!
God bless the inventer of gel bras. Not only do they tack on a cup size...but when you're pregnant, and the ladies hurt, throw that gel bra in the fridge for a while (stop rolling your eyes, you'll do it in a moment of desperation, trust me) and voila! You have an instant cooling pack on your sore nipples. Seriously, it works. Try it. I have a pal who's pregnant with twins now. I"m guessing she's reading this and shocked at the suggestion. By June, those hormones and the heat will tell you different, my fellow M.O.M.
Okay, today, I go to get dressed. My first padded bra I put on is lumpy. So, I go for one of my fabulous gel bras. The elastic is shot, and barely hangs on let alone pushes the minimal A's up. I'm privately celebrating at this point, because I've been working out, and am considering that maybe I've lost some inches on the frame. So that's nice. HAPPY DANCE! So, I announce to hubby that I must buy new bras today while the kids are at school. Hubby tells me that's fine, but to not go crazy or anything.....MWAAAAA HAAAAA HAAA!
I opt for the gel bra, sans push up anymore, and take the kids to school. Now I have to wait until the mall opens. I've decided per Oprah and other stupid feature stories that I'm going to Victoria Secrets to get sized due to the lack of grasp around the ben. I've never been measured and probably never tried on a bra, that I can remember. I just bashfully buy them as quickly as possible. And they're A's...really, there's not much wear and tear on these bras I'm buying. So I don't buy them at good stores, and I don't buy them often. My gel bras I bought when I was pregnant replaced my original bras....from HIGH SCHOOL. It's true. I get there, and am a little embarassed that some poor soul besides my husband has to see these deflated water balloons. Alas, the very blonde "bra specialist" has a warming southern accent. And I'm immediately explaining myself.
She measures me....I'm down to a 34. Now you petite people can shut up....I'm down from a 36, and that's exciting to me. So, just bask in my glory with me for a moment. You there? You with me? Okay, moving on. So, then she measures my cup size. I re-explain that I'm wearing a gel bra with a "cup extension". She insists that I try on a C. At this point I almost get a bit argumentative. No woman goes to Victoria Secrets to feel worse about herself. A failure. No, we go to feel better about ourselves. That's Vicki's secret. I shake my head like a kid when your mom takes you shopping and makes you try on the saddle shoes...and go in any ways.
IT FIT! AND PUSHED UP! ~Before the day I met you...Life was so unkind...you're the key to my peace of mind. Cuz YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN!!!!! WOOOOHOOO! ~ I could not believe it. And Cindy, the southern bra specialist couldn't believe my reaction. I started calling my sister in the dressing room. "Sis, I'm standing in the dressing room wearing a 34C, smaller in the right place, bigger in the right place." She says, "Welcome to post teen sweetie." I called my pal Daph, told her the same thing. To which I got the reply, "Wow, are they making the cup sizes smaller or something?" Thanks girls. And yes, they probably are. I bought three.
$120 later, I instant message the hubby, who you may remember told me to not go crazy. "Hunny, can you define crazy?" I think I sold it well. Ofcourse, he's a very understanding soul as well. There's days he's so on, I seriously think the man is a gay woman trapped inside a man's body. Hey, it could happen. So I tell him about that I'm a C. And then I tell him about the 34 part. Then I tell him that I got the IPEX bra, well, I got 3 of them. And baby, that's the bra you see on all the hot models in the VS commercials. And his response, "Sweet!"
Today is the best day of my life. Small victories. That's how I roll.