I thought what I'd do this week is post some old "journal entries" that got me started with this blog. I'd email these stories to all my pals, and they'd say, You should really stop sending these...can't you start up your own blog or something. And so it goes.
So, this week, I'll post my mother's day dissertations from the past. Today's post is special. All people have someone who taught them how to go potty. And they just don't have "Potty Coach Day" although I'm guessing Hallmark could potentially capitalize on that. So, read this, and thank a mom. I don't care if you're in your prime adulthood, next time you take a wiz, remember some selfless person taught you how to do that. Call that person on the phone, or call up the spirits and give your potty coach a happy mother's day shout out.
This was written a little less than a year ago. (I'll start posting the mother's day dissertations as I find them.)
Okay, it's time. It's come to this. I have come to a crossroads in my life; I'm walking in blindly, no clue what I'm doing, and I'm petrified. I'm scared of the unknown......are they ready? Uggh. I imagine this is what all coaches feel like an hour before the pinnacle game of their careers. You want to win; you want to be successful. You've prepared your team all you can; time has run out. There's no turning back; it's time to give it all you've got. Sigh. And deep down, there's just a little fear of failure, for you and for your team. I've got more than my pride on the line here. I've got budget costs, and liberation on the line here. Up to this point, I've been blessed with a talented team...accelerated if you will. But when it comes to this....there's no predicting if they're ready. You see, it's potty training time. Oh gosh. Hold on, I need to grab some Tums or something. Sigh.
So, it comes to this...there's two of them, one of me, (during the day), and a VERY delicate matter to deal with. I can barely keep up with it if I have them both with me, let alone, who's running around the house with no diaper. Oh goodness. So far, there's only been one other time when I've been this petrified, and I was probably more so then-- when they let me leave the hospital with TWO BABIES...I just couldn't believe they let me leave; didn't they catch on I had NO CLUE what I was doing!? And now, I've come full circle....with the no clue thing again. Up to this point, I've been going by my pal's motto -- "Fake it till you make it." And I've faked it pretty good, enough to fool myself that I'm a pretty good Mom. So, I've made it! But I don't think I'm the best potty trainer. Simply because I just don't want to do it. I absolutely do not want to do this.
There's a few things I don't want to do: 1) Swim with Sharks 2) be an offensive lineman, 3) ice skate in the olympics, 4) eat sushi, 5) potty train. (Not necessarily in that order). But I've managed to drag my feet this long. I got some advice not to start potty training until they were 2 1/2, no sooner. That from a mother of four. I'll take it. I've got 4 more days. Uggh. The emotional dread of just anticipating the process keeps me from any attempts of starting early, so Mary, thanks for buying me a little more time! Are you sure it's not 3 1/2!? Heh heh.
But when you do the math, and look at the big picture, it's exciting. We are looking at the last $13 bag of diapers that lasts us on average, 5-6 days. I'll do the math for you. 10 diapers a day for the both of them in the last year. That's 70 diapers a week, a little more than one bag. There's 52 diapers in the size 6 bag, that most of you will never use on your kids because you'll only go up to 4s or 5s....but Max and Lucy, as you can imagine, are huge, the size of 4 year olds. So, in a month, we're looking approximately 6 bags of diapers...rounded up with tax, that's about $85 a month for diapers. (Yes, ladies, I've figured that's a manicure and a pedicure, or a nice hour massage with a good tip...I'm making plans for incentive already.) I know we used more diapers per day when they were a year old and younger, but I can't possibly begin to calculate the size and cost and frequency, so let's just stay at this figure for the sake of it. So, 10 diapers a day (if you're a math teacher, this would be a VERY realistic way to do those if, then problems..it may keep some girl celebate for a little while longer too)... 10 diapers a day for the last 2 1/2 years is 9,125 diapers...I'll round up to 10,000 for a clean number and give props to Chris and I when we were changing 20 diapers a day when they were infants. So....HOLY COW..... 10,000 DIAPERS!!! THAT's RIDICULOUS! Hug your mother. Right now. Just stop what you're doing, call her, go to her....HUG HER. $85 a month times 30 months, that's $2,550...and again, for argument and posterity sake, I'll just round that up to $3,000. THREE THOUSAND BUCKS! Let's add in wipies...nah, that's just $150. We'll keep it at $3,000.
Have I talked anyone out of having kids? Let me know, I'll help you set up a budget...you just take all the things you enjoy now, throw them away, and provide for the kid(s). And in the end, it's all worth it, because your kids ultimately become the best thing you've ever had....but enough of the sappy stuff, I'm still freaking out about potty training. Okay, thanks for reviewing this with me. It's a whole new ballgame now. Not to mention the liberation of ME to not have to change any diapers. I'm sure for a long time now, it'll be a new painstaking process of ungodly amounts of unnecessary trips to every bathroom in the free world. (Avoiding port-a-potties at all costs...I'll let them discover those on their own.)
I now have monetary incentive and ultimate liberation from diaper changing for the rest of my life or until I become a grandmother. So far, here's my game plan: Yesterday we took the kids to Walmart. We frequent there a lot. But this time, it was a trip just for them, they didn't have to get in the carts, they got to walk like a big boy and big girl and we marched straight to the undies section, they picked two packs out. Then we went and got little potty stools, and fun soap, and a Bear in the Big Blue House video. They were so excited about the underwear, they had them on their arms on the drive home. They want to wear them so bad. But I think I'm going to let them beg me for them until potty training day: Friday, March 4, pray for me. They've been going on the potty every now and then, but I think they get it about the undies, so they've been going lots, and asking to go lots today. Ofcourse, they just like to play in the water when they wash their hands...ugh. Okay, positive motivation...A few of you have sent me notes of how you're doing it with your kids. I'd love to hear any suggestions you have! Or any empathizing, funny stories, or cash...send it on! I hope you got a good laugh at all this. I'll be sure to document the whole process and let you know how it goes. Until then, I must go meditate....it's gonna be a doozie!
That's how I roll.
