Well, I still go to the gym, I'm pretty consistent about it. I'm guessing their plan is working. You see, my gym has programs for the kids I can sign them up to be in several activities. So, I have to bring them to the classes, and there it is, I'm there, the gym is there. I guess I should sweat or something.
I've mentioned my gym before. But there's a couple of oxymorons I'd like to address. First of all, it's a health club, and they offer tanning beds. That's funny to me. "Be good to your heart and then fry your body!" "Everyone's doing it, hun." Just so you know, it's not healthy to tan in a tanning bed. If something resembling a coffin is baking you with ultraviolet lights, toasting you faster than the large ball of fire sometimes referred to as the sun, chances are, it's not good for you. And don't give me that base tan crap. You need a base tan to destroy your skin cells for future good old-fashioned SUV ray detention? Puhlease.
I feel it is my civic duty to address the other point, that I'm sure is rampant at the gym. Women are tanning based on a theory that tanner skin makes you look thinner. Now ladies, I've been in your shoes. I was young and stupid and I've tanned for the base tan, and I've tanned to look thinner. What I'm about to tell you may startle you, so you better sit down for this: Tanning to look thinner, maybe you've even thought so far as to consider it tightens up your skin. Nope, it just escalates your wrinkling process. Take note:If you're fat, and you're tanning to look thinner, you now look like a tan fat girl. I said it. I know. Hunny, it's okay. Take that 20 mins in the tanning bed and get on the frikkin track or treadmill. Geesh. Stop crying. Seriously. It's okay. But really, someone needed to tell you. So, save your money, and your melanoma for a rainy day, and stop tanning. I've got the hail damage, I know what you're going through. But really, it's like smoking only when you're stressed. When they tell you that you have lung cancer, that's the most stress you'll ever have in your life. So when they tell you that your fat legs are riddled with melanoma, do you think it was worth it?
Personally, I think all of us pasty white people should unite and start our own damned trend. Just get out there with our electric white bodies, lathered in SPF 50 and show those tannies what it's all about. PASTY PEOPLE UNITE! When did leather skin come into play anyways? I don't get it. But I'll still be sparing all eyes at the pool this year with some cute skorts and my pasty self in a suit. Remember Marilyn Monroe, or Lauren Bacall? Neither of those babes based their tans, I guarantee it. And if you're hair is bleached and your skin is tanned, really, that ain't right. Just stop it.
Okay, oxymoron number two is even better. I'm coming down the stairs to get my override of too many towels so I can go take a nap in the steam room, and I see a promo sign. "Family Health Week". It's some kind of competition and you're kids have to be 5 to sign up, so I can't do it, but I scan the poster anyways. Apparently you sign up as a family, you do some basic requirements, based on an honors system...ride a bike, run, hike, swim. And then upon completion you get a t-shirt. They're always giving aways t-shirts. The next highlight of the program made me laugh outloud, at my high falutant gym, to the point where I got more stares, and the kids weren't with me to blame: "Two lucky families will win from a drawing, a prize of a family dinner at Famous Daves." Famous Daves is a barbecue place here. I think it's a national chain. But I"m willing to bet that their healthiest item on their menu is maybe the individually wrapped crackers on the table for the kids. Are you kidding me? Their grand prize for promoting a healthy family lifestyle is taking everyone to the frikkin barbecue place? Amusing.
That's how I roll today.