So, after I gave my husband a false alarm of high hopes for a dual income potential, I nixed the job search and looked into parenting books. I am the first to admit that I have no clue what I'm doing. After we had the babies, they were wheeling me out of the wheelchair that my hips didn't fit in, and I was searching for the state police or CPS to come jump out of the bushes and put a stop to the insanity of me being responsible for TWO babies. I got through that. But really, I still have no clue. So, on occasion, I'm happy to read a book on what to do.
We've always tried to read up. I remember when the kids were about 6 months old and were kind of sick. It was a weekend, and Ricardo decided to research the true definition of projectile vomitting. As he was reading it to me, Max proceeded to demonstrate. Kids are so helpful.
I searched online for the book. Apparently there's plenty of professionals who know what to do, for a price. Lo, Hark, I found one that calls to me. I order it, and get it a few days later. Obviously, it couldn't come at a better time. I'm not the fastest reader. It took me a couple of weeks to read it.
After a few chapters, I start acting on the info. And son of a gun, it works. Now most of this info that I've paid for, most moms already know....but clearly, I'm not your average mom. The kids have picked up on that, and thus, I must trump them by reading about it. The school of momness. I digress. But it's working.
I've stopped yelling, definitely stopped spanking. Some parents can do it, but I just get too angry, and there's no need for that. "Stop hitting your sister!" and then a Swat....fairly ineffective.
Alas, I finish the book. It was enlightening, but mostly just a good refresher. I'm back in the game and the kids are doing great. I'm doing great. It's all just a pretty picture.
Yesterday we go to the park. It was the first time I didn't scold or get on them about something. (Don't interfere.....that's one of the book rules.) Mind you, while I'm basking in my glory, I'm noting all the other moms and how they are doing....we do it, you know we do. I'm figuring out how this book could help each of them. All the while I'm praying that I've never been this mom, but am pretty sure, it's been me.
Mom A: Yapping on the cell phone running all over the park with child. Trying to balance time with child and time with friends. Hey, I do it. But this woman is different. She's following her toddler every step of the way...through the sand, up the ladder, down the slide all while on the phone. It was weird. And I'm pretty sure she was annoying the other kids, from the looks they were giving her. But she didn't notice, because she was on the phone. Freaky.
Mom B: This one I've been before. Mom B is taking pictures of her kids at the park. I'm guessing momma got some new page layout for her scrapbook and is staging pictures for it. I've done that too....but the new line of zoo stickers were so cute! Now, the little girl is climbing up the rainbow ladder. You know, the one that arcs into the rest of the jungle gym thingy? So, the girl can't be more than 3, she's struggling, but going slow. The mom is up top, "LOOK AT ME AND SAY CHEEEEESE....sweetie....look right here." At this point, the child has lost focus and looses her footing almost falling 5' down through the ladder. She still has control, but I'm so close to jumping up because the mom is looking through the camera lense and doesn't see she's about to fall, still perplexed as to why the girl won't smile. Sigh. Just as I jump up, the girl regains her step and continues up. The mom leaves her to get pictures of the other one.
I'm praying I've never sacrificed my kids safety for a picture. Can we say Michael Jackson? But I've probably done it without knowing at some point.
It's time to go, and I do the 5-3-1 rule from the book. You have to show them and tell them 5 more minutes, then 3...then 1. Then go. It's supposed to be effective, and it takes a few tries, but if you stick with it, it works. And it has. But never at the park, which historically, in our family, has ended in some type of tantrum.
I take a deep breath, and tell them. The key here is we're at the park, and momma is sore from some three-legged downward facing dog move in yoga class earlier that morning. "Relax, now bend your knee and link that leg over, release your hip." That's when I heard the pop....and then, "Don't forget to breathe." I try, atleast. Okay, so I'm sore and not moving much from the park bench. So, I have to get the kids' attention verbally, as well as show them the 5-3-1. Okay, verbally, not a problem. I tell them. But since I'm not budging from the bench, it looks like I'm making a big deal. Other moms note that Max and Lucy will be departing the park in 5 minutes....oh look there she goes again, 3 minutes.....and 1 minute. At this point, I see the moms acknowleging my intent and waiting for the failure. Maybe they were curious to see if it worked. Me too. With 30 seconds left to go, Max comes up and says, "Hey Mom, is it time to go yet?" SWEEEEEET! So this must be what successful consistent parenting is like? I like it! So, I do my mental victory dance, take a breath, because yoga lady said not to forget to do that and say, "You have just a few seconds sweetie. Would you like to go on the slide one last time before we go?" and you know what I got? "Sure mom, that'd be great!" Is Nancy Drew writing this mystery for me or what? I'll just go with it. So he slides down, and I announce, after another deep breath, "Okay it's time to go."
You're waiting to hear what they did, aren't you? I held my breath a while to, so you go ahead and hold yours a bit...that's enough. They happily skipped down to me, no problem. That's when Lucy announced she needed to tell her new friend goodbye. I told her she could. I stood up as Max and I got ready, and smiled all proud and smug in my glory. That's when I turned to see Lucy spitting in the kid's face. And, enter left stage: FAILURE!
That's how I roll.
